


For the Other Half of the Sky

by Shknofftherust



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: AUstro, AUstro is an astronaut AU, Ellie is a big old nerd, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27141758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shknofftherust/pseuds/Shknofftherust
Summary: Ellie has been away from Jackson for two years, six months, and eleven days when she receives an unexpected phone call that forces her to return home and confront her past.This AU will be told through dual timelines: one in which we see Ellie sacrifice her relationships in pursuit of her dream, and another timeline wherein Ellie gradually learns to reconcile the two.--TLDR; This is an AU in which Ellie is a space nerd who doesn't know how to manage her career and her relationships at the same time and is kind of generally a mess.
Relationships: Cat & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie & Maria (The Last of Us), Ellie & Sam (The Last of Us), Ellie & Tommy (The Last of Us), Maria/Tommy (The Last of Us)
Comments: 62
Kudos: 144





	1. Explosions in the Sky

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you may have read "Deep Blue", which means that you've been seeing me ramble about this AU for months, so here it is. 
> 
> Massive thank you to Breezered, Ehefic, and Whiskeytango86 for all of the support, advice, workshopping, and friendship.

Ellie sat on her tiny bed staring at the door that Dina had just slammed behind her as she left with her lone suitcase in hand. 

It seemed as though just minutes before, Ellie’s eyes had gravitated to a favorite purple sweater of Dina’s as she packed her things and said she was leaving. It was the one Dina always wore for her on special occasions because she knew how much Ellie liked it. When she shoved it into the suitcase out of Ellie’s line of sight for one stupid moment, Ellie had wondered if she’d ever see it again.

It had happened so quickly: one minute they’d been cuddled close together in Ellie’s bed, naked after having just made love, and then Dina was hastily getting dressed, shouting at her, packing her things, refusing to listen.

Light slamming into her bleary eyes as Dina flipped the light switch left her disoriented as she tried to explain, sitting up in bed with the blankets bunched around her hips, watching the woman she loved leave.

“I’m setting you free” is what she had said, and the look in her eye stopped Ellie in her tracks as she moved to get out of the bed, because Dina always meant what she said and she rarely ever changed her mind once it had been set on something.

So Ellie had just let her leave, and now it was too late to follow.

With another miserable look around her tiny bedroom, Ellie noticed one item Dina had left behind: a brown jacket she’d worn when they’d gone out for dinner earlier that evening and then hastily tossed over the back of a chair as they undressed. Outside, September was coming to a slow end and giving way to autumn so the evening air was chilled and biting when the wind picked up.

Ellie hoped that Dina wouldn’t be too cold without her jacket, even as she pulled it on over her own flannel shirt, and brought the collar up to her nose. Breathing her in.

—

As she stepped off of the airplane into the dim light of early morning, Ellie paused to slip a pair of aviator sunglasses onto her face, concealing her bloodshot eyes and the dark circles that pooled under them from anyone who might care to look. She still wore yesterday’s clothes, now rumpled from travel, and clutched the straps of her old backpack as she made her way through the terminal.

Ellie had been away from Jackson for exactly two years, six months, and eleven days, and it had been her intention to continue that trend, until she felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. She’d squinted at the screen of her phone through fogged up goggles, and lifted them up into her hairline as she hopped up onto a stool and registered that it was Tommy’s name and photo on her phone screen. Then, she answered the phone and everything had turned upside down in an instant.

By the time she stepped out of the airport towing her suitcase behind her, the sun had finished rising and the air itself felt slightly warmer as it caressed her skin. When they’d spoken, Tommy had told her to text him her flight information and that someone would be waiting to pick her up from the airport to take her...home? It didn’t feel like her home anymore.

“Ellie!”

Her head snapped up and she spotted Maria standing next to an old pickup truck off to her left, gesturing wildly for Ellie to come to her. The sight of Maria made her feel more relaxed than she’d been in nearly 24 hours, and she managed a weak smile in return as she walked into her aunt’s open arms, enjoying the feel of the first genuine show of affection she’d had in months.

“Oh, Ellie…” Maria squeezed Ellie too tightly and kissed her cheek, “Kid, it is  _ so _ good to see you.”

Offering a weak pat on the back, Ellie tried to sound reassuring,“It’s okay, Maria…”

Stepping back to take a good look at her, Maria placed her hands firmly on Ellie’s shoulders and found her eyes. When she spoke, her voice was jagged and rough but not unkind, and her icy blue eyes had something like warmth to them, and in a way that was unique to Maria, Ellie felt comforted. 

“Now, don’t you start that shit.”

“What shit?”

Maria narrowed her eyes as they met Ellie’s again, “That tough guy shit. We’re family. You can be honest with us.”

Ellie looked down at the scuffed rubber toe of one canvas sneaker, and because she knew that Maria wouldn't accept any excuses, she didn’t offer any.

“Alright.” Her voice sounded small and afraid; she  _ felt  _ small and afraid. 

When Ellie fell silent, Maria reached out and tugged the handle of Ellie’s suitcase out of her hand and tossed it into the bed of the truck. Ellie tried to muster the energy to protest, but she didn’t say anything when Maria tugged the backpack off of her shoulders and tossed that into the backseat, either. 

Sitting next to Maria in the truck, Ellie rested her head against the window and stared out into the Wyoming landscape as it whizzed by. It was more beautiful than she had remembered, and she felt homesick for the open plains and towering mountains even as they warped and blurred in front of her with every mile forward they traveled.

She turned to glance at Maria’s profile, juxtaposed against the blurry beauty of nature through the open window. Ellie hadn’t known her then, but there was something in Maria’s face that indicated that she had been a beautiful

woman in her youth.

When Ellie decided that she should say something, she couldn’t muster anything more than “How’s the ranch?”

“Good! Your uncle has been working himself and the guys to the bone.”

Ellie smiled to herself. She knew how hard Tommy worked his guys firsthand, because she had worked on the ranch for extra cash back in the day, and despite the hard work, she’d enjoyed it.

“How are Tommy and the guys doing, then?”

Maria nodded “They’re good. Excited to see you. Obviously the circumstances aren’t...we wish it wasn’t for this reason, but it’s been about a year since we visited you in Colorado.”

Ellie winced at that, guilt washing over her. She’d actually missed seeing them for Christmas for the first time last year, and although she knew that Joel had been disappointed, he would never say so. He’d even offered to buy her a plane ticket to come home for the holiday, but all of the things she was caught up in at work had seemed so important when she thought she had all of the time in the world to spend with them.

Maria fiddled with the radio, and then turned to meet Ellie’s eye, “We were thinking of taking you home first, so you can drop your things off and freshen up before heading to the hospital.”

At the mention of the hospital, Ellie had to swallow down a wave of nausea,“Yeah, that sounds good,” she lied, “Thank you for picking me up.” 

She felt a strong hand on her knee, “Of course. You know we wouldn’t let you take one of those damned expensive cabs.”

Ellie let out a snort of laughter at that, amused that even in times of crisis the Millers were practical, methodical, and thrifty.

—

When they pulled up in front of Joel’s place, Ellie climbed out of the dusty truck and collected her bags. 

As she shrugged her backpack on, Maria leaned out of the open window and yelled over the roar of the engine, “One of us will be by to come get you in an hour or two, okay?”

Ellie nodded and clutched the handle of the suitcase tighter in her grip.

Maria turned off the truck and looked at Ellie with an uncharacteristic softness, “Are you sure you won’t stay with us?”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay.” She mustered a weak smile “Plus, Joel should be coming home soon, right?”

Maria pressed her lips together and nodded too quickly, “That’s right, but if you change your mind, we’d love to have you.”

Ellie smiled and shook her head, “I’ll be okay. I’ll see you in a bit?”

“Yeah, see you in a bit.”

She waved at Maria as she backed out of the driveway, made a u-turn, and headed down the street toward the ranch. When the truck was out of sight, Ellie headed for her old garage apartment instead of the main house and fished the key out of her pocket. 

Many of the personal touches she’d added to the place during her teenage years still remained: string lights that ran the length of the room, framed posters, and boxes of her old Savage Starlight comics that she hadn’t had room for in any of her dorms when she was in college. 

Despite the long absence, this place still felt like home, and she felt relieved to be here where she’d learned to play the guitar, hosted dozens of sleepovers, and fallen in love for the first time. Her old bed had a folded stack of linens at the foot of the bed that had probably been left for her by Maria, and she found herself making the bed just to have something to do and then laid out a change of clothes so she could shower.

—

When she had dressed and showered, there was nothing else to do but to wait, so she sat in the desk chair, twisting her fingers and bouncing her shoes against the floor, watching shadows dance across the walls as the sun dipped behind the clouds.

It wasn’t until 12 PM that she heard a truck out front, and she jumped to her feet and shoved her wallet and phone into the pockets of her jacket as she made her way to the door.

As she pulled the door closed behind her, she looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was Sam, not Maria leaning against the hood of the truck, beaming at her with a wide smile.

“Sam,” Ellie jumped in surprise, and then rushed to him, “Sam, oh my god.” 

He caught her up in his arms as she ran toward him and wrapped her in a tight embrace that lifted her off her feet, swaying slightly. When he set her back down, he rested his chin on top of her head for a moment with her head pressed against his chest. His face was scratchy with stubble and he smelled like hay, cigarette smoke, and the same cologne he’d worn every day since they were sixteen years old.

“El, it’s so good to see you. I asked them if I could be the one to pick you up.”

“I’m glad it was you,” she admitted, “I don’t know if I’m ready to see Tommy.”

“I get that,” he gestured for her to follow him to the old truck, and pulled her door open as he walked by, “Sorry, I’m late.”

Ellie shook her head as she climbed into the truck, “It was good to be alone for a little while, ya know?”

Sam nodded thoughtfully, and fixed his eyes on the road ahead of them as he steered them toward the freeway. 

“So,” Sam reached over to squeeze her shoulder, “aside from the obvious, how’ve you been, hotshot?”

Ellie rolled her eyes and slumped down in her seat, “I’m not a hotshot, Sam. I’m still just a lab geek.”

“For  _ now _ . I heard about the NASA thing.”

Ellie shrugged and turned to stare out the window, “I don’t even know if I’m gonna get it.”

“Of course you’re going to get it, don’t be stupid.”

“Sam,” she sighed deeply, “even if I  _ did  _ get it, I don’t know if I’d go.”

Ellie turned to look at Sam just in time to see him frown in her direction, “Why the hell not?”

“It depends on what happens with Joel…”

“You know there’s no way he’d go for that. He’d kill you if you blew that off.”

She sighed and picked at a loose thread on her jeans, “I know, Sam. I know.”

“I mean, it’s  _ NASA. _ ”

She rolled her eyes as the truck went over a bump in the road, “I  _ know  _ it’s NASA, Sam.”

He went on as if she hadn’t spoken, “And anyway, since you made it out of Jackson, and none of the rest of us did, you have to go.”

Ellie turned to look at Sam, taking in the deep brown of his skin and his close-cropped hair, “I thought you liked working with Tommy.”

Sam reached into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and placed one between his teeth, keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead of them, “I do like it, but I just never dreamed any bigger, you know. Not like you.” He turned slightly toward her with an affectionate smile lighting his eyes, “You’re gonna go to  _ space _ .”

“Probably not. I’ll probably just work on sending  _ other  _ people to space. That’s what most people do there.”

“You’ve talked about being an astronaut since we were kids.”

Ellie bit her lip, “I mean, it  _ is  _ fun to fantasize about.”

All the way through undergrad, and then grad school, and now while working in a lab and accruing necessary flight hours, she’d tried to be reasonable and manage her expectations. But no matter how often she told her family that she was content to be a lab geek for the rest of her life, it felt like she’d given up too much for the universe to deny her this one thing, like maybe everything she’d lost in its pursuit was just a sacrifice at some invisible altar and that  _ maybe  _ things would work out for her.

Sam set his jaw, “You’ll go to space. I know you will.” The finality in his voice left no room for argument.

Thinking of going to space always made her think of Dina whose name she never said aloud and never dared to ask about. None of the few people that she talked to from back home would offer any information and she would never ask. Last she’d heard, Dina was still in Jackson, working at Eugene’s.

Ellie stared straight ahead and tried to sound casual and disinterested, “So...how is she, Sam?”

She saw his dark eyes dart in her direction and then back to the road in front of them, “She’s good.”

“Are they...happy?”

He leaned to one side to blow a cloud of smoke out of the open window and then shrugged too casually, “Well, we aren’t super close, but they seem happy, yeah.”

“That’s good...is she still working at Eugene’s?”

“She manages it now, actually. Eugene says that he’s ‘semi-retired’ when anyone asks.” Ellie chuckled at the air quotes Sam punctuated his words with, “Jesse actually works there with her.”

“Huh, I didn’t know he was interested in electrical shit.”

Sam pursed his lips, “Me either. I hear he’s pretty good. I mean, that’s what he tells me.”

“And Dina is his boss?”

“Yep,” Sam let out a bark of laughter, “and you  _ know  _ how much he hates being bossed around.”

Ellie drummed her fingers on her exposed knees where they peaked through her jeans, “I’m not surprised that she’s running the place. I always figured Eugene would leave it to her when he croaks.”

“Yep, that’s kind of what everyone else thinks, too. We’ll see, I suppose.” Sam spared one more glance in Ellie’s direction and then said, “You might not remember the way, but we’re getting pretty close to the hospital.”

She nodded although she knew he couldn’t see it, and slumped down in her seat, watching as the hospital slowly came into view.

—

“Here it is, kiddo,” Joel’s voice was warm with gentle excitement as he raised his arm to point at the big house at the opposite end of the driveway. Ellie slowly raised her head from where it rested against the door, and stared up at the house as it loomed large in front of them. She scrubbed at a line of drool that had dried on her cheek as she slept and stretched her legs out in front of her and slowly turned to meet Joel’s gaze where she was met with a boyish excitement in his eyes that made her feel vaguely guilty for having been so angry at him during their drive from Boston to Wyoming. Boston where she’d lived before she met Joel, where they’d lived together for five years, and where she’d just been forced to leave behind everything she’d ever known. 

There was a chill in the air when she climbed out of the truck, and took a few tentative steps toward the house, staring up at it until she felt Joel come up to stand beside her to rest a hand on her shoulder. When she turned to look at him, she realized that he was holding his hand out to her. She looked down at his calloused palm and then reached out to accept the ring of keys he was offering her, when she plucked them out of his hand, he walked away to heft two suitcases out of the truck and set them down. Wordlessly, they each grabbed the handle of one suitcase and Joel also lifted a box into his arms, leading the way up the driveway to the front door. 

“Hey, kiddo, can you unlock that?” His voice was gruff with strain, “You wanna use the small silver one...”

She fished the key out of her pocket and slid it home into the lock, giving the doorknob a quick twist. She suspected that Joel had planned it this way so that she would be the one to unlock the door to their home. As they stepped into the foyer, Ellie was surprised to see that much of the furniture from their old home in Boston had already made it here and been prearranged for them. She felt a rush of annoyance that this likely meant that either the movers or Joel himself had already chosen a bedroom for her without her input. 

Ellie shrugged her backpack off and slid the suitcase she’d been towing out of the way, preparing to follow Joel back outside to help him carry in the remaining boxes and suitcases. Instead, he waved her away as he wiped a few droplets of sweat from his brow, “Why don’t you check the rest of the place out? I’ll start bringing the boxes in and you can come help in a minute.”

Ellie stared at him for a moment and then shrugged, turning to make her way straight upstairs instead of bothering to examine the lower floor. Upstairs she found Joel’s master bedroom, a workshop filled with all of the tools he kept promising to teach her to use, and then a guest room. None of these rooms held any of her belongings, which triggered a wave of anxiety as she imagined her boxes of comics, her video games, and the rest of her clothes lost in transit somewhere.

When she heard heavy footsteps climbing the stairs she stepped out of Joel’s workroom to meet him at the top of the stairs. “Joel,” she exclaimed before he’d even reached the top step, “None of my shit is here.”

Joel sighed deeply and chided her, “Language, Ellie.” 

With a smirk“You have to know by now that it’s a lost cause.”

He reached out and ruffled her hair, “Sometimes I think  _ you  _ are a lost cause, but I guess I have to keep trying.”

She fought back a smile and settled her hands on her hips, “Joel, none of my sh -” she met his eye and corrected herself, “None of my stuff is here.”

He chuckled and folded his arms across his chest, “Yeah, it is.”

“No, it’s not. I checked every room.”

“You sure about that?”

Ellie raised one eyebrow and rolled her eyes, “Yes, old man, I’m sure.”

With a long sigh he stepped forward and rested a hand on her shoulder, steering her back into his workroom. 

“Joel, I’m not sleeping here with all of your tools and sh - “ she felt his hand tighten on her shoulder, “- stuff. If the movers lost my stuff, I’ll never forgive -“

He shushed her and urged her forward, “Not in  _ here _ , Ellie. Look.” She followed his extended finger and looked outside, eyes settling on a small detached structure.

“What’s that? A shed?”

He shrugged and a playful twinkle lit his eyes, “Why don’t you go check it out? The square key on your ring should work.”

Eyeing him suspiciously, she fished the keys out of her pocket and made her way back downstairs, grabbing her backpack by one strap as she did so and sprinting across the lawn. She could hear Joel trailing behind her, but didn’t wait for him.

With cautious excitement she slid the key into the lock and pushed the door open and found boxes of things they’d sent ahead with the moving company and all of her furniture.

As she stood in the center of the room and revolved slowly in place, she heard Joel approaching slowly, speaking casually, “So, your aunt and uncle are going to come over, I was thinking of making chili if I can track down some pots and stuff - “

His words were cut off immediately with a groan of surprise as Ellie threw her arms around his middle, burying her head against his chest.

“Joel,” she breathed, “how did you do this?”

He squeezed her close to his chest for a moment, and then released his hold, ruffling her hair as she stepped back, “Well, Tommy was here when the movers were dropping off our furniture, and we thought you might like having your own space.”

She nodded eagerly, “Yeah, this is  _ so  _ great.”

Her mind was filled with how she’d decorate the space: string lights, maybe some framed posters, Joel’s old guitar...

He held up one hand, “Before we get carried away, there are a few ground rules.”

She furrowed her brow and crossed her arms, “Rules?”

“Yep. First of all, I have a key to this place. I won’t invade your privacy, but I have to be able to get in if I need to.”

She considered this for a moment and then nodded, unable to find fault with the rule, “What else?”

“The kitchenette over there? You can keep a few small things in it, but I want you eating your meals inside the main house with me, we’re still a family.”

She furrowed her brow, but didn’t disagree outwardly, figuring she could negotiate later, “What else?”

“If your grades start slipping or if you break my trust in any way....”

“Off with my head?”

He rolled his eyes, “Don’t get cute. You’ll have to move into the house with me. Or maybe…” he scratched at his beard, “Maybe I’ll send you to one of them military schools I heard about…”

This time, it was Ellie that rolled her eyes, “Got it,” but she couldn’t stop the grin as it spread across her face, “this is  _ so  _ great.”

“Good, okay. Let’s bring the rest of your things in here, and then you can help me with dinner.”

Eager to prove that she was mature enough to have her own place, she sprang into action, “Sure!” 

Joel called out after her as she bounded through the door, “Hey kiddo…”

She turned back and squinted in his direction, “Yeah, Joel?”

As he stepped toward her in the sunlight she saw a big smile split his face, “I’m glad you like it.”

—

When they arrived at the hospital, Sam climbed out of the truck and left her with a tight hug, and made her promise to text him later to check in. She waved at him as he drove away, stalling as she stood in front of the hospital, dreading the moment when she would have to face Joel.

She squeezed her eyes closed and forced herself to go inside to ask for Joel’s room number, saying “I’m his daughter. We haven’t seen each other in...a while.”

The receptionist whose name tag said “Esther” typed something into the computer and then nodded to herself, “He’s in Room 112.”

As her heart rate picked up, she felt a cold swell of panic come over her, and opted to stall for more time, “Which, uh…” She avoided looking at the directory on the wall directly behind the reception desk, hoping that Esther would just assume she hadn’t seen it, “Which way is that?”

Esther lifted her gaze and looked directly at Ellie for the first time, but Ellie didn’t find pity there, just an almost motherly concern.

When she spoke again, her voice was warm and kind, “It’s right that way, honey.” She gestured down the hall with one hand and went on, “Do you need me to walk you?”

“Oh, no. That’s okay. I can find it, I’m sure.” Her voice sounded high and thin, “Thank you for your help.”

She turned away before Esther could say anything else and strode down the hallway as fast as she could without breaking into a run. With every step her feet felt heavier, and her heart pounded so hard that she could hear it in her ears.

There was room 109, with an open door and Ellie caught a glimpse of a nurse helping the person into a seated position. Would Joel ever be able to sit up again? What would he look like when she saw him?

Room 110.

When was the last time she’d called him? She remembered that they’d talked about the last snow melting early that year, and that Wyoming in the spring time was always Joel’s favorite time of year.

And then 111.

She’d been eleven when they met for the first time, and twelve when they’d officially signed the adoption papers. Twelve like his first daughter had been when she died.

With each step she took toward Joel’s room where he lay unconscious and alone, she wondered if maybe good things didn’t last in Ellie’s life, and maybe she was always meant to end up alone. 

And then she was walking by room 112, picking up speed as she traveled further away from it toward an exit down the hall. She didn’t realize that she was walking in the wrong direction until she was outside, sitting on the curb in front of the hospital, bent over with one hand clutching her chest as she tried to steady her breathing.

—

Motionless on her bed, she stared up at the faded glow of stars on the ceiling with her phone resting on her stomach. The sun had gone down outside, but she hadn’t bothered to turn a light on or remove her shoes. It was dark and shadowy in the garage, and the piled boxes of her belongings cast strange shadows on the walls, and a sliver of moonlight shone through the curtains onto the foot of the bed.

For well over a decade, Joel had been her anchor, and now he was…

He wasn’t dead, but based on what Maria and Tommy had told her, she suspected that he was dying although no one would say it to her, and she felt sick thinking that because she was a coward he was probably dying all alone in a hospital room. She knew that he was in a medically induced coma, so she knew that he wasn’t afraid, but he  _ was  _ alone and she knew that he would have never left her alone if it had been her dying alone in that bed instead of him.

And if Joel died, would she still be a Miller? Would Tommy and Maria still be her family? Would Jackson still be her home? That old fear of being left behind and alone crept into her bones and made her feel drowsy for the first time since she’d gotten the call from Tommy the previous morning, and mercifully, she dozed off.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been asleep when she was jolted awake by the feeling of her phone vibrating against her chest, but she sat up straight and fumbled with the phone. Eyes still bleary from sleep she saw that the call was coming from a number she didn’t recognize, and with uncoordinated hands, she just barely managed to answer the phone before the last ring. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Sam.” Never one to beat around the bush, he charged on before she could respond, “There’s a thing tonight with the old gang, you down?”

She swung her legs around so that her feet touched the floor as she sat on the bed and switched the phone to her other ear, considering his offer. Her only other option now that she’d been woken up would be to sit here in her room feeling sorry for herself, because she knew that she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. 

“I guess so.”

His voice brightened, “Cool!”, and then just as quickly as it had brightened, it dimmed, “There’s uh, something else, though.” Ellie could hear him exhale heavily, and imagined him leaning against the truck with a cigarette dangling between two fingers.

Frowning, Ellie switched the phone back to her other ear, “What is it?”

Sam sounded hesitant and careful, as though he were opening a box without knowing what it contained. He held the phone away and cleared his throat before speaking, “Dina might be there...both of them, actually. Is that cool?”

“Yeah.” She answered too quickly, and then made an effort to slow her speech, trying to keep her voice steady and even, struggling to tamp down the mix of excitement and dread that was blooming in her chest, a withering flower that had been planted a decade earlier, “That’s fine.” 

“I’ll come get you. Be there in 10.”

As soon as he hung up, she dropped the phone onto the bed next to her and doubled over resting her elbows on her knees, and then her head in her hands.

Dina.

A burst of hysterical laughter echoed off of the shadowy walls, a laughter that sounded foreign as it bounced back at her, and although she tried to swallow it back down, it kept coming until there were tears streaming down her face.

She flopped backwards onto the bed, still laughing, clutching her sides as she tried to stem the flow of it. One sneakered foot stomped against the floor as tears snaked from her eyes, sliding down into her hairline. 

And still she laughed, even as she struggled to catch her breath, even as she heard Sam’s truck pull up into the driveway.

Dina.

  
  



	2. Space Oddity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Endless gratitude to Ehefic for just about everything, and a huge thanks to everyone who read, commented, and gave kudos on chapter 1!

“Eleanor Miller?” The teacher’s voice was nasal and grating as she called roll, and Ellie briefly considered pretending that she hadn’t heard, but decided that it isn’t worth a lecture from Joel if he hears about it. She rolled her eyes and raised her hand, mumbling “Present.” 

When the teacher lowered her eyes to scribble a checkmark next to her name, Ellie quickly added, “But it’s just Ellie, actually.” The teacher, whose name Ellie didn’t know, looked at her over the rim of her glasses with disapproval blatant on her face. She pursed her lips, “Hmm, I just assumed this was an error and you had a  _ proper _ name.” 

Ellie felt her temper flare, and spoke through gritted teeth, “And I assumed that all teachers know how to read.” 

“Detention, Ms. Miller.” The teacher glanced down at her watch, “Wow, five minutes in on day one. That has to be a record.”

Ellie shrugged, “Maybe it’s a record for you, but it isn’t one for me.”

The teacher opened her mouth as if to say something more, but she only smiled, “Detention after school.”

“How long?” Ellie huffed, “I gotta tell my dad.”

With a cold smile, the teacher tilted her head and simpered, “Oh, I’ll call him for you, dear. Don’t worry.” 

Ellie slumped lower in her seat and began gnawing on her fingernails, already zoning out again by the time the teacher called out for “Steven Mueller?”

When the bell rang, Ellie instantly pulled her cellphone out of her pocket, hastily delivering the news to Joel herself before the teacher could beat her to it.

Ellie:  _ “Hey old man, I have to stay after school for about an hour.” _

Just as her phone vibrated with a response, Ellie felt a hand on her shoulder and whipped around, meeting the dark eyes of a girl she thinks she remembered seeing in class.

“I’m Dina,” the girl holds out one soft hand for Ellie to take, “and  _ you _ are a badass.”

Something about the cadence of this girl’s voice and the feel of her skin as their hands clasped together sent a shiver up her spine. 

Somehow, instead of lingering with Dina’s palm pressed sweetly against her own, she managed to slide her hand free and waved away the compliment, “No, just dumb, I think.” 

With a shrug, Dina said “Well, I hope I’ll see you around. It’s always good to see Hanson put in her place.” She was gone before Ellie could say anything else. 

When her phone vibrated in her hand for a second time, she unlocked it and stared down at Joel’s response:

Joel _ : “Lemme guess, you got detention already?” _

Joel:  _ “I’ll pick you up at 5. We’ll talk about it then, kiddo.” _

Ellie let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding when she remembered that even if she got grounded, it isn’t as though she had any friends to see or anywhere to go.

Ellie _ : “You got it, old man.”  _

Joel:  _ “Now, leave me alone while I’m workin and go learn somethin.” _

She shoved the phone back into one pocket and plunged her hand into another. When her fingers closed around the iPod, she flipped the switch to unlock it and scrolled through the playlist she’d made after Joel had taken her to the National Air and Space Museum.

And then Bowie is crooning about Major Tom, and everything is alright for a blissful five minutes and sixteen seconds.

—

Sam turned to look at her in the shadowy cab of the truck as he shook a cigarette out of his pack. “Look, before we go in, I just wanna be sure that you’re sure.”

Ellie bit her lip and nodded, “Yeah, I mean, what am I gonna do alone at Joel’s?”

“Okay,” he sounded relieved as he clapped a hand on her shoulder, “If it gets to be too much, let me know and we’ll bail.”

“You got it.”

When Sam pulled his hand back, he smiled wolfishly, “Ryan’s gonna be there tonight.”

“Damn.” She ran her fingers through her hair and squinted at him in the darkness, “You’re  _ still  _ crushing on him? Are you ever going to make a move?”

Sam popped the cigarette between his teeth and shrugged, “Maybe tonight’s the night.” 

“Sure.”

“Oh, yee of little faith.” Sam winked at her and pushed his door open, “Let’s do this.”

Ellie stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets as she followed Sam to a small group of people who were sitting near the fire away from the larger crowd. Most of them looked to be around her age, but she only recognized about half of them.

Gesturing to her, Sam said “Guys, this is my good friend Ellie. Some of you may know her, she grew up around here.” He lit the cigarette he’d been fiddling with and said, “If you don’t know her, don’t be weird.”

Sam allowed her to cling to him for a while before he eventually slipped away to go talk to someone she didn’t recognize.

As Ellie stared over at the drink table, she debated whether getting drunk would be worth the difficulty of braving the crowd of people who stood between her and the alcohol, she felt someone come to stand next to her and looked back at a guy whose face she vaguely recognized.

He smiled cheerfully and held out a fist for her to bump, “Ellie, it’s good to see you, dude.” His hair was long and stringy, and just barely touched his shoulders. 

“It’s good to see you, too…” Something about the fist bump triggers a memory and she hazards a guess, “...Adam.” 

The smile that lit up his face confirmed that she had guessed correctly, and she smiled back at him, grateful to see another friendly face even if she hardly remembers him.

“So, how have you been?” The way his words run together indicate that Adam is drunk, and maybe a little high. He is slightly sloppy despite his friendliness, and comes to stand just a little too close to her, “Are you back for good?”

Ellie took a step back, “I’ve been good, but no, I’ll only be around for a few weeks.”

“Well,” Adam took another step toward her, “Maybe while you’re in town, we could get together sometime.”

Ellie squeezed her eyes shut, and said “Sure, but you know I’m gay, right?”

“Still?”

“Yes, still.” Annoyance flared, “People don’t really grow out of that, dude.”

Adam shrugged, “Well, I have a cousin who -“

“You know what?” She interjected and pinched the bridge of her nose, “Hold that thought Adam, I see someone I need to go talk to.”

She scowled and stomped over to Sam, pulling him from the conversation he was engrossed in, “You left me alone with that dude, Sam.”

“Adam is an okay guy!”

“He just...hit on me.”

Sam smirked and stared down at her, reaching out to tug at the sleeve of her flannel shirt, “Did he  _ really _ ? How could he think…”

Ellie pulled her sleeve out of his grip and scowled, “What does  _ that  _ mean?”

“Look,” Sam offered her an easy smile, “as another raging homo, I don’t mind saying that you’re not exactly subtle with the gay vibes, my dude.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Look, why don’t you go talk to a girl or something? You’re all wound up.” Sam leaned in and lowered his voice conspiratorially, “You need to get laid.”

“My  _ dad _ is in the hospital.”

“How long are you gonna use that excuse?”

“Until he’s not in the hospital anymore?”

Sam rested both of his hands on her shoulders and started to say something, but she didn't register a single word he said. Behind Sam, she could just barely make out the figure of a woman sitting on the other side of the bonfire. From their angle, Ellie couldn’t see her face, but even after so many years she could tell that it’s her.

She nodded and shifted slightly in Sam’s grip as he continued talking, so that she could fully see Dina sitting with her face bathed in the orange glow of the flames. She stared intently at Ellie, making no attempt to pretend that she  _ hadn’t  _ been staring. 

Ellie opened her mouth as if to speak, and then closed it and opened it again. She was so focused on Dina that she didn’t realize that Sam had stopped talking until she heard another voice call out, “Ellie, play something for us!” 

Ellie looked over and saw a guy she’d known in high school holding a guitar out to her. 

She backed away and shook her head, “Nah, I’m good.”

Dina smirked a little and called out, “Guys, she’s been away for years. Ellie’s a city slicker now, she’s probably too cool to play for us.”

Dina said this with a sly look Ellie’s way, and Ellie knew that this was a challenge. They hadn’t even spoken to each other yet, and Dina had already found a way to get under her skin.

Ellie smiled and kept her eyes on Dina’s face as she said, “Fuck it. Pass me the guitar.”

When she’d first moved to Jackson, she’d been too shy to play in front of anyone, and some of the people watching now had been present at those early occasions when she had blushed and panicked any time she was asked to play. There were other faces that she didn’t recognize, and those people watched her even more intently, curious about this newcomer. 

Ellie’s voice shook a little as she sat down on a plastic chair and positioned the guitar in her arms, “I haven’t done this in a while, so I guess you all can help me out if you know it.”

She flexed her fingers and then gently ran them up and down the length of the fretboard, trying to adjust to the feel of it in her hands. When she felt confident with the feel of the instrument, she cleared her throat and began:

_ “Shadows settle on the place that you left _

_ Our minds are troubled by the emptiness _

_ Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time _

_ From the perfect start to the finish line _

_ And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones _

_ 'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.” _

The entire time she played, she kept her eyes fixed directly in front of her, knowing that if she looked over to see Dina staring at her, she would lose her nerve.

_ “Well, I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette _

_ I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget _

_ And my eyes are damp from the words you left _

_ Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.” _

As she plucked the last chord, a deep voice muttered, “Damn, Ellie. Could you have picked something a little  _ more  _ depressing?”

Then she felt a hand on her back and a voice low in her ear, “El, maybe we should get you a drink, huh?” She allowed Sam to lift the guitar out of her arms and pass it to someone else, and then he steered her over to the drinks with his arm heavy around her shoulders.

—

By the time she was on her third drink, she felt herself beginning to sway slightly as she stood, surrounded by people who were having conversations she was no longer sober enough to even attempt to follow. When she stumbled over to refill her cup, she decided that she could no longer trust herself to stand, and glanced around the field until she spotted a mostly empty bench off to the side. There were a few people already sitting there, but one of them had their back to Ellie and the others were absorbed in conversation.

She allowed her mind to drift to Joel as she nursed her drink, wondering how he was doing, if he was awake, if he would ask for her if he woke up. She knew that she should be there, and she hated herself because she wasn’t. If she’d been the one in a hospital bed, she knew that Joel probably would have killed anyone who stopped him from getting to her.

Warm tears blurred her vision, and she brought her cup to her lips, taking a long pull to swallow down the lump in her throat. If he died and she hadn’t gone to see him, she wasn’t sure that she’d ever be able to forgive herself. She wasn’t sure if she would deserve forgiveness.

A hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her reverie so abruptly that she sloshed a bit of beer onto her shoes. When she met the brown eyes of the hand’s owner, a small smile danced over her lips. She was even more beautiful up close than she had been when Ellie had seen her from a distance. 

“So, did you have to pick the saddest song you know? Like, you couldn’t have just gone with ‘Wonderwall’ or something?”

Ellie blinked twice and then burst out laughing, “I guess I could have picked something a bit more lively.”

Dina grinned, “Or maybe, anything other than a literal dirge would’ve been nice.” 

Ellie rolled her eyes, “Thanks D, and thanks for the peer pressure.” If Dina noticed the old nickname slipping so easily off of Ellie’s tongue, she didn’t acknowledge it.

“I didn’t do it for you,” Dina cocked her head playfully, “I just wanted to hear you play again.”

Ellie shrugged and found the back of her neck with one hand and rubbed at it, “Um, so how’s Cat? Are you guys still..?”

Dina’s eyes widened, “She’s good, Ellie. She couldn’t make it tonight.” Dina smiled softly, “We just got a house, actually.”

“Oh, yeah?” Her heart sank, “That’s really great, Dina.”

“Thanks, El.” Dina rested a hand on Ellie’s tattooed forearm, “But how are  _ you _ ?” Dina looked at her full in the face in a sincere way that made Ellie wish that she wouldn’t. Dina leaned in, “Sam told me that he took you to the hospital earlier.”

Ellie stared down at Dina’s hand on her arm and murmured, “I’m holding up, I guess.”

Dina took a long sip of her own drink and said, “And how’s work? You’ve finished school, yeah?”

Ellie nodded with relief at the subject change, “Yep. I don’t think I’m going for a ph.D, at least not right away, so I’m working in a lab for now.”

“Still wanna be a spaceman?”

Ellie laughed, “Stupid, huh?”

Dina furrowed her brow, “Why would that be stupid?”

“I mean, I did kind of apply for NASA.” She laughed nervously, “That’s the first step to being a spaceman, I guess.”

Dina’s face lit up with delight as she leaned close enough that Ellie could see every one of the freckles that sprinkled across her cheeks, “Oh, Ellie. That’s  _ amazing. _ ”

Ellie fidgeted with the zipper of her jacket, “It’s kind of a longshot, even if I get in.”

“You’ll get in, El.”

“I guess we’ll have to see.”

“It really was good to hear you play again. It’s been so long.”

“Yeah,” Ellie fidgeted with the cup in her hand, “I guess it’d be about four years or something.”

Dina smiled softly and gave Ellie’s arm a gentle squeeze, “I actually saw you play once a couple of years ago when you were here visiting Joel.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I was there with Talia, and I heard you were playing an open mic night.”

“No way,” Ellie furrowed her brow, “how did you hear about that?”

Dina shrugged, “I thought that everyone stalks their exes on social media. Is it just me?”

“No, I guess not.” Ellie paused, “I just wish you’d said something.”

“You looked my way, so I thought you’d seen me.”

“Dina. If I had seen you…”

She trailed off, imagining what she would have done, what she would have given to have seen Dina that night or any other.

Dina faltered for just a moment, and looked as though she regretted bringing it up, “I couldn’t stay long, so I just peeked in for a bit. I had...plans with Talia.”

“Yeah,” Ellie nodded thoughtfully, “I get that.”

Ellie understood well, because the last time she’d seen Dina had been about three years earlier, when she was in town for Joel’s birthday. She’d been picking up his cake when she’d seen Dina across the street facing away from her. 

Before she could stop herself, she’d raised her hand in Dina’s direction and opened her mouth to call out, but she'd quickly shoved her hands into her coat pockets and walked away. Ellie wondered if it had been that same visit home when Sam had talked her into doing the open mic night at the Tipsy Bison, because that would mean that they’d crossed paths twice that weekend.

Sitting with Dina now, closer than they’d been in years, Ellie felt that she should say something, or offer some sort of explanation. 

Dina spoke first, “I think I have to head home,I work tomorrow...”

Ellie felt a flash of panic at the thought of Dina leaving, not knowing if she’d ever be able to talk to her again. Before she could talk herself out of it, Ellie blurted “Can I…” she bit her lip, “Is it okay if I walk you home?”

Dina looked at her for a long moment and then nodded as they each stood, and slipped her arm through Ellie’s.

“Yeah...let’s go.”

Ellie briefly glanced around looking for Sam, but saw him standing away from the group with his body angled toward a tall, blond guy whose face she couldn’t see. 

As though he could feel her watching him, Sam glanced over to her and visibly tensed when he saw Ellie and Dina standing together. Ellie gave him a small wave, and then turned to follow Dina away from the group of people she’d been saying goodbye to. 

—

The air was crisp and chilly away from the warmth of the bonfire, but the feel of Dina’s arm looped through her own, along with the occasional bump of their hips as they walked made Ellie’s skin burn.

“How are you really holding up, El?”

“I’m okay.”

“Ellie, you can be honest with me, you know?” Dina squeezed Ellie’s arm, “I’m sure it was awful to see him in the hospital like that.”

Ellie considered telling Dina the truth, but decided against it, “It’s been hard. I should have come home more.” And now she didn’t know if she would ever have the chance to come home more, to make up for lost time. 

Dina shook her head, “He knows how busy you are. He understands, Ellie.”

Ellie looked down at their feet as they walked and repeated,“I should have come home more.”

“Joel would  _ never _ want you to sacrifice your education or career for anything.”

“He gave me  _ everything,  _ he worked himself to the bone putting me through school _.” _

“And he would do it again…” Dina cast a sidelong glance at her before continuing “I see him sometimes, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“I have coffee with him a few times a year. We talk, and whenever I ask about you he looks so 

proud and like,  _ excited _ .”

The thought of Dina wondering about Ellie surprised her, “You ask about me?”

“Ellie, I still  _ care _ about you. You have to know that.”

“Dina,” Ellie’s voice cracked, “I’m sorry…”

“Ellie,” Dina looked at her firmly, but not unkindly “not now, okay?”

It had been years.  _ Years _ , and Ellie knew that it was her fault.

“Okay.”

“It just feels…” Dina sighed, “Just, not now.”

Ellie nodded and looked up at the night sky, wide and brightly illuminated by a full moon. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been able to see so many stars.

“I missed these skies.”

“They don’t have stars in Colorado, or wherever you’re living now, city slicker?”

Ellie chuckled, “Colorado, yeah. And honestly, not really. It’s always too damn bright in the city to see much of anything up there.”

“So,” Dina raised an eyebrow, “you’re trying to work for NASA but you can’t even see the stars?”

“I don’t need to see them,” Ellie met Dina’s eye as they came to a stop in front of Dina’s house, “When you’ve stared at them as much as I have, you start to dream of them.”

“Only  _ you  _ would dream about nerdy shit like constellations and rocketships.”

The teasing tone in Dina’s voice felt good to hear, almost as if so much time hadn’t passed.

“You should meet some of the people I work with.” Ellie laughed, “They make me look pretty cool in comparison.”

As they slowed to a stop in front of Dina’s house, Dina asked, “Are you staying a while?”

“I think so. Gotta take care of Joel and I honestly think I just need some time. I was able to take a leave of absence, so for once I don’t actually have anywhere to be.”

Dina stared up into Ellie’s face, and laughed as she spoke, “Well, I’m glad you’re gonna be around for a while.”

“Yeah...me too,” Ellie said truthfully, “I think I missed being home.”

“Listen, I’m sure you’re busy, but Cat was bummed that she couldn’t make it tonight. Would you…” Dina’s voice trailed off, “would you ever wanna have dinner with us? Or a drink? She would love to see you.”

Ellie looked up at the house Dina shared with Cat. Even after all of this time, after all of these years, it still hurt to know that Dina was capable of wanting anyone who wasn’t Ellie, because no matter how hard she’d tried, she’d never been able to want anyone but Dina. But Cat had stayed, and Ellie hadn’t, and Dina deserved to love and be loved by someone who would stay.

Ellie swallowed hard and fixed a smile onto her face,“Yes, I’d love that. Here, give me your phone.”

With trembling hands, Ellie tugged the phone from Dina’s hand and punched her own number into it, then handed it back so that Dina could save the contact, “Talk it over with Cat, and then lemme know when you guys are free.”

Dina smiled happily at her and then stood on tiptoe to kiss her cheek and give Ellie’s arm one final squeeze before she turned to go into the home she shared with a lover who wasn’t Ellie.

When she was out of sight, Ellie pressed her fingertips to the place Dina’s lips had just been, and shook her head under the flickering streetlight as she turned towards home.

—

It was colder than usual in the cafeteria, and the smells from all of the various types of food being prepared made Ellie feel slightly nauseous. 

A few weeks in at Jackson High and she still sat alone at lunch, having put in little effort to actually make friends, instead using the lunch period to draw and write in her journal. 

She figured that attending a boring school in such a boring place wouldn’t have been so bad if she could spend her weekends with her real friends back at home, going to zoos and amusement parks and sneaking into parties held by upperclassmen. Coming from Boston where there was always something exciting to do made Jackson feel even more boring by comparison, as if nothing interesting could ever happen here.

Her phone buzzed with a text message from 

Riley.

Riley:  _ “How goes it in the land of country bumpkins?” _

Ellie:  _ “It doesn’t go. Nothing happens here.” _

Riley:  _ “If it makes you feel better, this place sucks without you.” _

It didn’t make her feel better to think of Riley back in Boston, missing Ellie the way Ellie was missing her. 

“Hey.”

Ellie looked up to see that girl, Dina, sitting on Ellie’s table with her feet planted next to Ellie on the bench. They had hardly spoken since that first day in the hallway, but Dina would occasionally catch her eye in homeroom and wave at her.

Ellie glanced up at her, “Hey.”

“Why are you over here by yourself?”

“Because I don’t know anyone else?”

“Where you from?”

“Boston.”

“Ooh, fancy.” Dina raised one eyebrow and barreled on, “What brings you to our little one horse town?”

“My dad’s job.”

Dina tilted her head, “You don’t talk much.”

Ellie shrugged, “I don’t know you, so…”

Dina smirked and leaned forward so closely that Ellie had to scoot back in her seat, “Not yet.”

Ellie noticed that Dina’s gaze had drifted dangerously close to her open journal, so she flipped the cover and slid it into her backpack. 

When Ellie didn’t say anything else, Dina said “Why don’t you come sit with us?”

Dina inclined her head, and gestured to a table where Ellie could see a boy with shaggy dark hair that fell into his eyes talking animatedly to another boy who had close-cropped hair and deep brown skin. Seated next to the boy with the shaggy hair was a small girl who had choppy black hair and a few tattoos on her arms. The girl was leaning over something Ellie couldn’t see with a pen in her left hand and seemed to be paying no attention to her other friends.

“They’re cool, I promise.”

Ellie looked up at Dina and saw something in her face, eagerness maybe? Whatever it was, it was enough to make Ellie heave a great sigh and climb to her feet.

Dina grinned at her and jumped down onto the ground next to her and briefly brushed the small

of Ellie’s back as she strode past her, leading the way to the table where her friends sat.

“Guys,” Dina came to a halt at the head of the table, “This is Ellie. She’s cool.”

Ellie wondered how Dina could possibly know enough about her to say she was cool, but she offered a shy wave to the three faces staring up at her.

“Here,” the girl scooted over and patted the seat next to her, holding out her hand as Ellie sat down, “I’m Cat.”

“Hey Cat,” Ellie felt like she should say something more, so she added, “I like your tattoos.”

Cat beamed at her, but the boy with the shaggy hair rolled his eyes and reached across the table holding his hand out.

“I’m Jesse.” His handshake was firm, but not unpleasant, and his palm felt calloused against her own. Jesse tilted his head toward the other boy, “This is Sam.”

Sam smiled at her with his lips pressed firmly together, but didn’t shake her hand, gesturing instead to the large burger he was clutching with both hands.

Dina resumed her prior position and sat on the tabletop, again with her feet next to Ellie on the bench.

“Guys, Ellie is from Boston.”

Three pairs of eyes looked at her, clearly impressed, and the tips of Ellie’s ears burned. She shrugged a little sheepishly, “Yeah, that’s true.”

Sam swallowed his mouthful of burger and practically yelled, “Wow, what’s Boston like?” 

“Oh it’s great.” Ellie smiled, feeling happier than she had in weeks, “There’s always cool shit to do like go to zoos, museums, and we have touristy shit like the Boston Tea Party ships…”

Sam’s eyes widened, “Museums?”

Jesse laughed and clapped a hand on Sam’s shoulder, “Our Sam here is a big ol’ nerd.”

“Am not.”

Jesse smiled affectionately at Sam, “Are so.”

Cat was more soft-spoken than the other three, and they all had to quiet down to hear her, “Why’d you move here, Ellie?”

“Uh, my uncle lives here and got my dad a new job and stuff.”

“Huh, who’s your uncle?” This came from Sam who looked especially interested in everything she had to say, “We probably know him.”

Jesse nodded, “Everyone knows everyone here.”

Ellie hadn’t actually considered the fact that people she went to school with might know her family members.“Uhh, his name is Tommy Miller.”

“Oh! Jesse and I work at his ranch in the summer for extra money.”

She looked at Jesse for confirmation, “Yeah! I didn’t know Tommy had a niece, or a brother for that matter.”

Ellie shrugged, “He’s not much of a talker I guess. Joel isn’t either.”

Dina burst out laughing, and then laughed even harder when Ellie looked up at her with confusion plain on her face. When the other three joined her in laughter, Ellie felt scowled around at them.

“I’m sorry,” Dina sputtered, “It’s just. You’re not exactly a chatterbox either.”

That made Ellie laugh, too and it felt good to laugh with other kids. It made her heart feel light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I expect a bit of a delay until chapter 3 comes out as I’ll be on vacation next week. I’ll try to post something during that week but I make no promises lol.


	3. Solway Firth

“ _ Tonight _ ?” 

“Yeah,” Ellie shuffled her feet in the dirt, “she called me this morning to invite me.”

“So, you’re actually going to go to Dina and Cat’s place?”

“Yeah.”

“Ellie,” Sam shielded his eyes with his forearm and stared down at her, “I’m glad you’re cool with them, but don’t you think that paying them a social call is a bit much?”

“I don’t know, Sam.” Ellie sighed “It would be nice to see Cat again. We used to be so close.”

Sam raised an eyebrow, “Were you?” 

“Yeah…” Ellie began, but she was already beginning to doubt herself, “we were close...”

“In my opinion, close friends don’t shack up with their friend’s exes.” He grimaced and spat in the dirt, “With friends like that, who needs enemies?”

Ellie frowned, trying to regain control of the conversation, “It wasn’t like that, Sam.” 

Sam shook a cigarette out of a pack and stuck it between his teeth. He cupped one hand around the flame as he lit it and then inhaled deeply, sending tendrils of smoke out of his nose and mouth with his words, “Don’t you have enough going on without making it harder on yourself?”

“You  _ know _ I do.”

“Then why are you doing this?” Sam lowered his voice, “Why did you leave with her last night?”

The tips of her ears burned red, “I was just walking her home, and then she said I should come have dinner with them.” Ellie furrowed her brow, “It isn’t a big deal.”

“Ellie, she’s with Cat, they’re happy, and you have your own life in Colorado.” He softened his voice as though trying to reason with a child, “How long did it take you to get to this point?”

“Sam, I’m just spending time with some old friends, it isn’t a big deal.”

“El, it took you  _ years  _ to get to this point, and I was right there with you, so I know how bad it got. Maybe you can minimize it with Jesse, or Joel, or your friends in Colorado, but not with me.”

“I know that, and you know how much it meant to me to have you there, but it’s going to be fine.”

Sam stared at her and shook his head in disbelief, “Look, I gotta get back to work before Tommy kills me. But be careful with my friend’s heart,  _ please. _ ”

Ellie nodded and allowed him to hug her, “I’ll be fine.” 

“I just care about you.” His deep voice rumbled against her cheek as he spoke close to her ear, “I don’t wanna see them hurt you again, and I can’t hit a girl...”

Ellie laughed and hugged him back “I know.” 

Sam released her and looked over her shoulder, “Speak of the devil.” He threw his cigarette down and stomped on it, “Call me later, yeah?”

Ellie nodded and followed Sam’s gaze over to Tommy who was striding toward them with his arms folded and a stetson pulled down low over his eyes.

“Ellie, wait up!”

Instead of walking forward to meet him, she stayed rooted on the spot and noted that his limp seemed to have worsened since she’d seen him last.

“Come here, girl.” Tommy caught her up in a bear hug, his stubble scratchy against her forehead. “How are you, sweetheart?”

“I’m okay...” Ellie breathed in his scent and felt a familiar calm wash over her, “it’s really good to see you guys.”

Tommy nodded and stepped back, crossing his arms again as he gave her a once-over, “I haven’t been by the hospital since yesterday morning. I had too damn much going on here trying to keep these bozos in line.” He pointed over his shoulder at Sam’s retreating figure, “What did them doctors say when you was over there yesterday?”

“Oh, um.” Ellie’s face grew hot under Tommy’s gaze, “I didn’t really talk to anyone.” 

“No?” Tommy tilted his head, confusion plain on his lined face, “Those damn nurses come by pretty often to check on him and change bandages and use a whole bunch of words I don’t understand. How did you manage to avoid them?”

Ellie shrugged, “I don’t know, Tommy.”

“Okay, kiddo.” Tommy scratched his beard and looked down at her “Well, I’m going over there after work is done for the day, want me to come get you on my way there?”

“Oh, no.” Ellie stepped back and shook her head too quickly, “No, I have, uh plans.”

“Plans?” His face clouded, “Ellie, you know how serious this is, right?”

“Of course I do, Tommy. Jesus Christ.” She winced at the anger in her own voice, and released a shaky breath, “I’m sorry. But I know. I’m going tomorrow, okay?”

Tommy held his hands up in surrender, “Alright, your aunt and I are just worried about you.”

“I’m fine and when Joel wakes up, he’ll probably make fun of us for kicking up such a fuss over him.”

Tommy looked at her as though he wanted to say something else, but just sighed, “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Well, I’ll let you get back to work, okay?”

“Okay, Ellie.” His eyes looked tired, “See you tomorrow, maybe?”

“Uh huh!” Ellie walked backwards and waved at him as she retreated, “Tomorrow, maybe.”

—

“Ellie,” she looked up and saw Dina standing in front of her, swaying slightly. She stood about an inch taller than Ellie in the boots she wore with her Tomb Raider costume, and her form fitting tank top hugged her curves so tightly that Ellie wondered if she could breathe properly in it. 

Dina smiled coyly and stepped closer to her as if she knew what Ellie was thinking, “Why are you over here all by yourself?”

Ellie swirled the plastic cup she was holding, already beginning to feel her light buzz blur into a haze of drunkenness,“I just don’t like Halloween very much.” 

Dina laughed at her and pinched the sides of her tank top as she adjusted it, “Don’t be emo.” 

“I’m not  _ emo _ .”

“You’re over here getting drunk by yourself at a party,” Dina pointed out, “that seems pretty emo to me.”

“I’m not emo.” Ellie repeated and sipped at her drink. “Like I said, I don’t like Halloween.”

“But you're here.”

“Jesse and Sam talked me into it, and then they ditched me.” Ellie scanned the room looking for their friends, “I think Sam is trying to talk to that Ryan guy again.”

“Huh,” Dina looked Ellie up and down, “and what are  _ you _ supposed to be?” 

Ellie scoffed and popped the collar of her black and white striped shirt, “I’m a mime.”

“Huh,” Dina repeated, “you kind of look like a robber, or maybe a racoon.”

“I’m a mime.” Ellie insisted, feeling a rush of annoyance wash over her. Joel had reassured that her costume looked okay before she’d walked out of the house with a promise to be back by midnight, but so far, no one had guessed correctly.

“Do mimes wear blue jeans?”

Ellie shrugged, “they do when they can’t find their black jeans.”

“Well,” Dina plucked the cup out of Ellie’s hand and drained it, “do mimes dance?”

“Um,” Ellie pointed at her own chest, “not  _ this _ one. I can’t speak on behalf of all mimes, though.”

Dina ignored her attempt at the joke and placed one hand on Ellie’s arm, “Dance with me, El? Please?” 

Ellie shook her head and backed away slightly, “Dina…” 

She hadn’t danced since that last night in the basement with Riley, which had been just days before the move to Jackson. That was the night when they had finally,  _ finally  _ started something that seemed to have been blossoming between them for years. They’d wasted so much time.

“Please?”

Ellie shut her eyes tight and grumbled, “Okay, fine.”

As soon as the words left Ellie’s mouth, Dina grabbed her hand and pulled her to the center of the dance floor as if she wanted to get her out there before Ellie could change her mind.

“Here,” Dina placed Ellie’s hands on her waist, “you put your hands there and I’ll put mine here.” Dina looped her arms around Ellie’s neck and stepped in closer. 

She looked over Dina’s shoulder and noticed that there were several boys blatantly staring at them, and she wondered if Dina would be wasting time dancing with her if she could see the way those boys were staring.

Ellie bit her lip “How did you know that I wouldn’t know what to do?”

Dina laughed softly in her ear, “You just don’t seem like the dancing type.”

“So, then why are we doing this?”

“Because…” Dina leaned back in Ellie’s arms and looked straight into her eyes, “I wanted to dance with you.”

And there was something in the intensity of Dina’s gaze that made Ellie wonder for just a moment if…

—

“Ellie,” Cat threw her arms around Ellie and gave her a kiss on the cheek, “You look great, babe.”

Ellie tightened her arms around Cat, “Thanks, Cat.”

“Ooh,” Cat stepped back and pulled up Ellie’s sleeve, “Let me see how it’s held up.”

Ellie saw Dina approach out of the corner of her eye while Cat gingerly ran her fingers over the ferns she’d tattooed there on Ellie’s 18th birthday.

“Babe, don’t accost our guest.” Dina smirked and she playfully pushed Cat out of the way so she could greet Ellie with a hug, “C’mon, El.” Dina gestured for them to follow her into the kitchen.

Cat rested one hand on Ellie’s shoulder to steer her forward into the small house, “How have you been, El? Dina says you’ve been killing it out there in Colorado?”

Ellie turned to smile at Cat over her shoulder, “I’ve been pretty good. Done with school for now.”

“That’s really good, Ellie. Next stop, NASA?”

“I hope so.” Ellie threw up her hands and shrugged, “We’ll see.”

“Ugh, sorry for the mess,” Dina called out as they made their way through a hallway, “We’re still unpacking. Just pretend you can’t see any of the boxes.”

Ellie squeezed past a box that partially obstructed the path to the kitchen and laughed, “What boxes?”

Cat gave her a friendly pat on the back, “That’s my girl.” 

The house was small, and it was made smaller by the towers of boxes waiting to be unpacked in the corners of every room. But the little house already felt cheerful, and warm, and welcoming in the way that only Dina could make a space feel.

As they made their way deeper into the little house, Ellie caught a glimpse of a small room that looked to be Cat’s home studio with its stacked canvases, easels, and the same fuschia colored curtains that had covered the windows in Cat’s bedroom when they were kids. The two of them used to spend afternoons there smoking weed in the filtered red light of Cat’s bedroom while her mom prepared kimchi downstairs. When they stumbled down the stairs to join Cat’s mom for dinner, she never commented on the smell coming from Cat’s room or their bloodshot eyes. Ellie recalled the conversation she’d had with Sam earlier that day and decided that she and Cat _had_ genuinely been good friends, despite what he had to say about it now.

In the kitchen Ellie was grateful to see that dinner was already laid out on the table, and she obediently sat in the chair Cat gestured to.

“Ellie,” Cat reached for a bottle of wine that sat in the center of the table, “do you still hate wine?” 

Ellie smiled, “Nah, I’ve grown up enough to appreciate it.”

“Good!” Cat looked delighted as she leaned over to fill Ellie’s glass, “You’ll like this one. I swear Dina and I must go through a couple of bottles a week.”

Cat filled Dina’s glass next, and Ellie watched and then copied Dina as she swirled the glass in one hand and then leaned in to smell it, closing her eyes in pleasure as she did so.

“A toast is in order!” Cat held out her glass, “To old friends and new memories.” 

Ellie clinked her class first against Dina’s and then against Cat’s, and for the first time, she noticed how beautiful Cat was. She still had the same dark bangs she’d had when they were younger, but her thick, black hair was longer than Ellie had ever seen it, and where Cat was once too angular and slightly awkward, she had now grown and softened into her features. 

Completely unchanged were her dark eyes, still full of a bright energy that never seemed to burn out. Those eyes were on Ellie now as Cat peered at her through her bangs while slicing her chicken, “So Ellie, is there anyone special?”

Dina’s eyes darted to meet Ellie’s, and then she reached across the table to place her hand on Cat’s arm, “Babe, don’t be nosy.”

Ellie flinched a little at Dina’s use of the pet name, but recovered quickly, chewing the inside of her cheek to regain her composure.

Cat rolled her eyes, but reached out to stroke Dina’s hand where it rested on her forearm, “We’re all friends here. I’m not asking for  _ details _ or anything.”

“Still,” Dina turned to look at Ellie again, her voice firm “you  _ really  _ don’t have to answer that question.” 

Ellie smiled politely and said, “It’s okay, Dina.” 

She worked to steady her voice and addressed Cat, “No, there’s no one special. I work a lot, so I don’t really have a lot of time for anything else.”

Cat speared a piece of chicken with her fork and said “You should make time, El. No one should be alone.”

“Oh, I’m not  _ alone,  _ alone. I’m just, you know, single. So.” Ellie shifted uncomfortably in her chair and drummed her fingers against the tabletop, “I have friends and stuff, and I date sometimes, but there’s just no one person, you know?”

When neither of them responded, Ellie went on, “There was a girl for a while. Bridget. She was a grad student in the same program as me, but we were too busy to get too serious.” She had liked Bridget, but it had never felt right between them. It hadn’t felt right with any other girl she had dated since the break up with Dina, “I think I’ll have more time for dating now that I’m done with school.”

Dina cut in, “That’s good, El.” The pinched look on her face didn’t quite match her relaxed demeanor, “Joel told me that you’ve finished your flight hours?” 

Cat’s eyes darted back and forth between Dina and Ellie, and then settled on Dina “When did you talk to Joel?”

“Oh, I ran into him at the store a few weeks ago.” Dina waved her hand dismissively, “He mentioned it then.”

“Huh,” Cat looked at Dina for a moment and then back down at her plate, “you didn’t mention it to me.”

“I hadn’t really thought about it since then,” Dina bit her bottom lip and then she, too, turned her attention back to her food, but the subtle change in her body language confirmed what Ellie had already suspected: Dina was lying.

“So,” Ellie smiled at Cat, “Are you still working at the same shop?”

Cat nodded, “Yep, been tattooing there since around the time that I did your arm, which still looks good, by the way. You’ve clearly taken care of it.”

“Thanks,” Ellie smiled, “my artist was pretty good. I can get you her number, if you want.”

“Just pretty good, huh?” Cat raised an eyebrow, “Looks like she’s pretty  _ damn  _ good to me.”

Ellie grinned and conceded “She’s good, but she kind of has an ego problem.” 

Cat laughed, “If you’re looking to get any work done, I’ll give you a good rate. I think I’m going to start tattooing here in my studio space part-time.”

Dina rolled her eyes and looked at Ellie, “I already told her that she’s not going to turn my house into a fucking tattoo parlor, so if she picks up enough clientele, she’s gonna have to open her own shop.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Cat smiled bashfully, “I would be lying if I didn’t admit that that’s kind of the ultimate goal.”

“Oh yeah?” Ellie raised her eyebrows, “Good for you!” 

“Well, don’t congratulate her yet.” Dina laid one hand on Ellie’s arm, “If she has a whole bunch of biker dudes coming in and out of my house, she might not live to see that dream come true.”

The three of them laughed and fell into easy conversation that carried them through dinner, and if not for everything that had changed since they were last together, Ellie could almost believe that no time had passed at all.

—

They chatted and drank and listened to records for what seemed like hours after dinner, and Ellie was surprised to find that she was genuinely enjoying herself despite the fact that it had been slightly awkward at first to sit with the two of them in their home, laughing, and reminiscing and trying to tiptoe around the stories that featured Ellie and Dina together. 

Eventually, Dina climbed to her feet and rested a hand on Cat’s shoulder, “I’m sorry guys, but I open at the store tomorrow.” 

“Thank you for having me over, Dina.” Ellie stood and gave her a quick hug, “This was really nice.”

Dina beamed at her and rested a hand on her arm, “Anytime, El. It was so good having you here.”

When Dina disappeared up the stairs, Cat leaned over and reached into a side table and pulled out a joint and a lighter “You still smoke, Boston?”

“Boston, huh?” Ellie pursed her lips, “you know I haven’t even  _ been _ to Boston since I moved to Jackson, right?”

“Whatever.” A wry smile played on Cat’s lips and she repeated “You still smoke?”

“Pass it here, asshole.”

Cat grinned and passed the joint to Ellie, gesturing for Ellie to follow her out into the yard through the screened back door and down the porch steps. 

When they were seated opposite one another in the grass, Cat held out the lighter so Ellie could lean into the flame. When the joint was lit and they’d each taken a few puffs, Cat cleared her throat, “Ellie,” she  _ flicked _ the lighter a few times watching the flame appear and vanish, “I’m really sorry about Joel.”

“Thanks Cat…” Ellie took a long draw on the joint and felt herself begin to relax, like she was letting out a deep breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, “I appreciate it.”

“I know he’ll pull through.” Cat sounded more certain than she looked “That Texan is stubborn as hell.”

A note of pride entered Ellie’s voice, “Fuck yeah, he is.” 

“God,” Cat sputtered and exhaled a cloud of smoke as she did, “do you remember when he caught us smoking in your room back in the day?”

“Oh, yeah.” Ellie grimaced at the memory, “He was so pissed.”

“And then,” Cat doubled over laughing, “We caught him smoking our shit with Tommy a few weeks later.”

“I gave him  _ so  _ much shit for that, dude.” Ellie smiled, “He didn’t back down though.” Ellie deepened her voice and attempted to mimic Joel’s accent “When you have your own house, you can smoke all the grass you want, but not under my roof.”

Cat wrinkled her nose, “He really called it ‘grass’? Fuckin’ hell, is this the 70’s?”

Ellie shrugged, “He’s old, man. Maybe that’s what they called it in his day.”

“God, he  _ would _ call it that.” Cat held the joint out to her and exhaled a thick cloud of smoke.

Ellie inhaled until she felt that familiar tickle in the back of her throat. She coughed as she exhaled and passed the joint back to Cat. When it was finished, Cat ground it out against the bottom of her shoe and laid down in the grass with her arms under her head, “Dina missed you, you know? Me too.”

“Yeah, I missed you guys.”

“You shouldn’t have stayed away so long, and I worry that it’s because of me.”

Ellie shook her head too quickly, “No, it’s not. I’ve just been busy…”

“I was surprised that we didn’t hear from you when Tikvah died.” Cat went on as if Ellie hadn’t spoken, “I think it would have cheered Dina up a lot to hear from you. Tikvah wasn’t perfect, and I know she never really accepted your relationship, but she was Dina’s  _ mom. _ ”

“I wanted to call…” Ellie remembered that night two years earlier when she’d held her phone in hand with her thumb hovering over Dina’s name, unable to press down. She really  _ had _ wanted to call.

“Okay,” Cat looked as though she didn’t quite believe her, “but now that you’re back, you should come home more. And not just when someone is gravely ill.”

“I will.”

Cat nodded and they lapsed into a comfortable silence that allowed Ellie to savor the feeling of sitting in the grass, listening to the chirping of crickets, and the sound of a gentle breeze moving through the trees around them in the darkness.

“Hey,” Cat suddenly perked up and scooted closer to Ellie, “if this is weird to talk about, just let me know, okay? But you know Dina really well…”

Elie pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling more stoned than she had when they were sitting in silence. Her tongue felt heavy and her voice sounded too loud in her own ears “Cat, I haven’t talked to Dina in like,  _ years _ .”

“Yeah, but you know her.” Cat pulled her phone out of the pocket of her sweatshirt and held it under Ellie’s nose, “Okay, look.”

The bright glow of the phone burned Ellie’s eyes as she struggled to adjust to the intrusion of light. She stared at the phone for several seconds trying to process what she was looking at. Confusion gave way to disbelief as her eyes focused and Cat scooted even closer to Ellie so that they were sitting side by side with their thighs touching, “Do you think she would like this one?”

Ellie blinked several times, hoping that maybe the image on the screen would disappear or turn into something else, anything else at all, “Is it for...is it a…”

“Engagement ring?” Cat smiled sheepishly, “Yeah, I guess so. I mean, we’ve been together for a few years and we just bought this place. We’re happy. It just feels like the right time, you know?”

Ellie struggled to find something helpful to say, but all she could think of was that despite Cat’s good intentions, Dina deserved to be proposed to because someone loved her that much. Not just because it was the practical or reasonable thing to do.

“Have you…” Ellie bit her lip, “have you talked to her about it?”

“No, not really. So I’m kinda going out on a limb here.” Cat locked the phone screen and shoved it back into her pocket and Ellie immediately felt grateful that she didn’t have to look at it anymore.

“Well,” Ellie stared up at the sky looking for something to ground herself, “I think she’s really going to like it, Cat.” 

Ellie scanned the sky until she spotted Ursa Major, suspended in the sky for all eternity because of Juno’s jealousy, doomed to watch the rest of the world go on without her, and for the first time in her life, Ellie understood Juno’s rage and possessiveness over Jupiter.

“Do you ever wish you’d stayed?” Cat laid down in the grass next to her, “Y’know, like instead of going away to Colorado?”

“Yeah, I do. All the time, really.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but then I would have been just as unhappy, I think.” Ellie chewed her lip and tried to sort through her thoughts, “I’d be in Jackson wondering what life could have been if I’d gone, instead of sitting alone in a lab wondering what life could have been if I’d stayed.”

With time and distance from her life in Jackson, Ellie had come to accept that she would never know contentment. She never really had and figured that she never, ever would. That she would always be alone, perennially adrift.

“You’re not happy in Colorado?” Cat sounded surprised, “I thought you liked it out there.”

Ellie could have kicked herself for not being more careful with her words, “I’m not, like,  _ unhappy _ ...I’m just, not happy.”

Cat frowned, “Aren’t those the same thing?”

“I don’t think so. I’m not depressed or anything, but things are just okay, ya know? Not bad, not good. Just coasting. Kind of empty.”

Cat laid on her side to stare at her for a while, and then when she seemed satisfied that Ellie was telling the truth, she nodded “That sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.”

Ellie had always loved this about Cat; she never wasted words, and she never tried too hard to say the right thing. Cat seemed to inately understand that sometimes life just sucked and sometimes you just needed someone to acknowledge that without trying to solve it for you.

“Hey,” Cat sat up again and stared down at Ellie, “Remember the first time you played guitar for us?”

Ellie smiled, “Oh shit, yeah. I’d forgotten about that.”

“There were only like eight of us, and your hands were trembling, your voice was all shaky, and you forgot the words to fucking ‘Wonderwall’.”

They broke up laughing at the memory and Cat sputtered, “Like, first of all, who even plays ‘Wonderwall’ at a high school bonfire, and also, who forgets the words to that damn song?”

“Dude,” Ellie sat up now and tried to defend herself, “stage fright is real!”

When the last bursts of laughter faded away, Cat looked serious again, “You sticking around?”

“For a while, but I don’t know how long.”

Cat ashed the still faintly smoldering joint and tossed it into the bushes, “Well, however long you stay, I’m glad you’re back.”

She climbed unsteadily to her feel and held out a hand to Ellie, pulling her up.

—

“Ellie,” Ellie looked up and saw Dina behind the wheel of a car that looked like it could be older than they were, “get in.”

Ellie had to raise her voice to be heard over the sound of the pouring rain as it clattered to

the ground around her, “No, thanks. I can walk, it isn’t too far.” 

She adjusted the sopping wet straps of her backpack with her thumbs, and tried to smile through her chattering teeth. Dina rolled her eyes and leaned over to manually unlock the passenger’s side door, “Don’t be dumb, Ellie. Just get in.”

At that exact moment, there was a clap of thunder so loud that Ellie jumped a little in her soggy sneakers, “Yeah, okay.” Ellie pulled the door open and climbed in, “Thanks.”

Dina waited for Ellie to put her seatbelt on before carefully pulling away from the curb out into the street, “Doesn’t your dad usually pick you up?”

“Yeah, but he’s working late, so I was supposed to take the bus…”

“Let me guess,” Dina looked over at Ellie with a wry smile, “You got detention.”

“Maybe.” Ellie felt her temper flare, “So what?”

“Hey,” Dina held her hands up in surrender, and then placed them back on the steering wheel, “it’s fine by  _ me  _ if you want to spend all of your afternoons with Hanson. I don’t care.”

“Why are  _ you _ still around, anyway? I know you didn’t have detention.”

“Nope.” Dina absently drummed her fingers on the steering wheel and stared straight ahead at the blurred taillights of the cars ahead of them, “I was working on a project in the library.”

Ellie leaned forward to crank up the heater, “You  _ would _ stay after school just for fun.”

“It wasn’t for fun,” Dina swatted at Ellie’s hands when she moved to fuss with the ancient radio, “and stop touching things.”

Ellie shrugged and leaned against her window and stared out at the sidewalk as they passed by, watching as the rain clattered down and splashed and pooled in cracks and potholes. The clouds above them were so dark that they almost looked black. 

When they pulled up in front of Ellie’s house, she turned to look at Dina, “Hey, look. It’s raining pretty bad, maybe you should wait it out inside for a bit before driving home.”

Dina turned to look out of her own window and seemed to consider this, “Yeah, okay. Maybe just for a little while. I have to call my sister and let her know.”

“Okay, you can do it inside, where I have actual heating.” Ellie gestured to the struggling heating system, “Not sure what’s up with your car’s heater, anyway.”

“So she’s a little old, but uh,” Dina looked at her pointedly, “why don’t you show me the heating system in  _ your  _ car?”

“Oh, whatever.” Ellie pulled her door open and poked one damp leg out into the rain, “Just come on.”

They sprinted from Dina’s car to Ellie’s garage, shrieking and laughing as a torrent of rain splashed down over and around them. When they burst through Ellie’s door, Dina sputtered and wiped her wet bangs away from her face, “Holy hell, it’s bad out there.”

“Yeah,” Ellie peeled her jacket off and agreed, “thanks for driving me.”

“Thanks for letting me wait it out here.”

Ellie waved the compliment away and flipped a light switch, “Here, hang your jacket up over there, okay?”

“Sure.” Dina shrugged her jacket off and kicked off her boots, “So, this is all yours?” Ellie watched Dina as she scanned the interior of the garage apartment, rotating slowly on the spot.

“Yep.” Ellie spied a pile of clothes and kicked it under the bed when Dina wasn’t looking. 

Dina spotted Joel’s old guitar propped up against a wall, and ran her fingers over the strings. She turned to look over at Ellie “You play?”

**“** Yeah, Joel taught me.” Ellie pointed to a framed photo of herself and Joel that sat on her desk.

Dina picked up the photo and stared down into the two smiling faces, “Who’s Joel?”

Ellie tossed Dina a towel for her hair, “Oh, that’s my old man. My dad.”

“How come you call him by his first name?”

“He adopted me when I was eleven, so I only call him that when I’m being an asshole. But, he’s still my  _ dad _ , you know.”

Dina tilted her head thoughtfully, “Sure, I get that. I live with my sister, Talia, and even though she’s not my mom, she kind of is?” 

“Yeah, I get that…” and when they fell silent it occurred to Ellie that they’d never been alone before and that they’d never discussed anything quite so personal. She decided that she wasn’t sure how she felt about being alone with Dina without the buffer of their other friends.

“What’s this?” Ellie followed Dina’s outstretched hand as she reached for a small packet that sat on the desk.

“Oh,” Ellie waved her hand dismissively, “those are just some of those glowy stars. Joel got them for me from a shop near one of his build sites.”

Dina tilted her head “Why?”

“When we first met, I told him that I wanna work for NASA and go to space…” Ellie laughed at herself, “Kind of lame, huh?”

“No, that’s so badass.” Ellie was surprised at the genuine enthusiasm in Dina’s voice, “Let’s put them up!”

Ellie hesitated, “Joel keeps saying he’ll put them up for me, but he works a lot and I don’t like bugging him.”

“I’m serious!” Dina swatted her arm, “Let’s do it ourselves.”

“Okay, but if we do, I wanna do my favorite constellation. ”

Dina stared at Ellie for a moment and blinked, “You have a favorite…”

“Yeah,” Ellie said defensively, “it’s cool!” 

“I mean, ‘cool’ isn’t exactly the word I’d use.”

Ellie walked over to the bookshelf and pulled out a book, “Whatever, so this is the Camelopardalis constellation.”

“The what?”

Ellie set the book down on the desk in front of them and pointed, “It’s a giraffe.”

Dina squinted and shifted the book to look at it from a different angle, “Miller, I don’t care  _ what  _ this book says. That is not a giraffe.”

Ellie slipped into a mock French accent and pretended to twirl an invisible mustache, “Non, eet eez an  _ eemage _ of a giraffe.”

To Ellie’s surprise, Dina grinned, “This is not a pipe…”

Impressed, Ellie gently bumped Dina’s shoulder with her own and smiled, “Exactly.” And when their eyes met over the book of constellations and images of the night sky, Ellie held her gaze for a moment before looking back at the page laid out in front of them.

A warm smile bloomed on Dina’s face as she also turned her attention back to the book, “Well, this isn’t even an image of a giraffe.”

“Yes, it is,” Ellie traced the shape again for Dina, “anyway, giraffes are my favorite animal.”

“Giraffes aren’t any _ one’s  _ favorite animal.” Dina scoffed, “They’re goofy as fuck.”

“They’re cool.”

“They’re gangly, and weird, and orange…” Dina flicked Ellie’s ponytail, “Kind of like you.”

Ellie shifted out of Dina’s reach, “My hair isn’t orange, it’s  _ auburn _ .”

“Uh huh,” Dina winked at her, “right.”

“Look, this was your idea,” Ellie pointed out, “you gonna help me or are you gonna keep giving me a hard time?”

With a toss of her hair, Dina smirked “Why do I have to choose just one?” Ellie opened her mouth to argue, but Dina offered her a cheerful smile, “Let’s do it.”

When Ellie was perched rather precariously at the very top of Joel’s old stepladder, she stared down at Dina, watching as she shook several stars out into her palm and held one out to Ellie who accepted it with a smile “Thanks.” 

While Ellie busied herself with affixing that first star to the ceiling, she felt one soft hand come to rest on her calf, steadying her and they worked that way for a while, making pleasant conversation that Ellie struggled to focus on with the added distraction of Dina’s touch.

“Okay,” Ellie jumped down from the ladder when she was satisfied with her work, “I think that’s it.”

“Well?” Dina looked at her expectantly when Ellie’s feet were back on the ground.

Ellie blinked at her, “What?”

“Oh my god, Ellie.” Dina gave her a playful shove, “Turn off the light so we can see.”

“Oh,” Ellie swallowed hard and wiped her palms against her jeans, “Okay, sure.”

When the light was off and the room was blanketed in a near complete darkness, Ellie returned to stand beside the bed with her arms planted firmly at her sides and craned her neck up to look at the ceiling.

“Oh come on,” Dina grabbed Ellie’s hand and pulled her onto the bed, “Let’s look properly.”

Ellie hesitated, but allowed Dina to pull her down onto the mattress, “Okay.” 

As they situated themselves next to each other while staring up at their handiwork, Ellie felt the brush of Dina’s hand against hers. Neither of them moved away, and the backs of their hands remained pressed together so gently that Ellie couldn’t be sure that she wasn’t imagining the contact. 

“Okay, so tell me about it.” Dina pointed up at the ceiling with her free hand “You probably know all kinds of nerd shit about this giraffe if it’s your favorite.”

Ellie rolled her eyes and retorted, “I want you to know that I just rolled my eyes at you, but you couldn’t see it because it’s dark.”

“Sure,” Dina sighed “whatever.”

Ellie cleared her throat dramatically, “So, a guy named Petrus Plancius first noticed the constellation around 1613.”

“Oh, how  _ intriguing _ .” Dina teased, but Ellie went on as if Dina hadn’t spoken, “So, that star,” Ellie pointed, “Is 6,000 light years away. It’s one of the furthest ones we can see with the naked eye.”

Dina sounded genuinely interested now, “Wow, okay. What about that one?” Dina pointed to a star that made up part of the giraffe’s head, and Ellie slowly recited everything she knew about each star that made up the constellation. 

Dina was a good audience, listening patiently, and chiming in with good questions at the right times. Ellie couldn’t tell if she was just pretending to be interested, but she felt grateful to have something to do instead of focusing on the fact that their hands were still touching.

“So,” Dina said casually when Ellie finished talking, “were you dating anyone back in Boston?”

“No,” Ellie thought about that for a moment and then added, “Not really.” As an afterthought, she shifted slightly so that her hand was flush against her side and they were no longer touching.

“Not really, or no?”

Ellie shrugged, “I dunno. I mean, there was a friend I liked for a while, but then I moved. Nothing much ever came of it.”

“Oh, what’s his name?”

Ellie stared straight up at the ceiling to avoid Dina’s gaze, and shrugged again, “Riley.” 

Warm fingers found hers in the dark as Dina slowly captured Ellie’s hand in one of her own. Ellie swallowed hard and looked down toward their clasped hands, and then back up to Dina’s eyes. 

Dina propped herself up on one arm so that she hovered just above Ellie and hesitated there for just the faintest, most fragile moment. Their faces were so close now that Ellie would only need to lean up just a little bit to close the distance between their lips.

As if she could read Ellie’s mind, Dina tucked a strand of hair behind Ellie’s ear and murmured “Am I wrong?” 

And Ellie could see something in Dina’s face that she’d never seen there before: uncertainty. She shook her head quickly, and when she noticed Dina’s eyes on her lips, she took a deep breath and tried to steady the rise and fall of her chest.

Dina opened her mouth as if to say something else, but Ellie surged up and pressed their lips together in a tentative kiss. Dina stilled for a moment, but quickly recovered and began to move her lips against Ellie’s; slow and sweet. Ellie had been kissed before, but it had been nothing like this. Those kisses had all been clumsy, awkward, and childish, but kissing Dina was something else entirely; it was life-altering.

Dina gradually shifted their position so that she lay flush on top of Ellie, pressing her down into the mattress as they kissed and ran their hands first through damp hair and then under rain soaked shirts that clung to their bodies like a second skin. When Dina’s teeth gently grazed Ellie’s bottom lip she had to fight back a whine, but when their tongues came together for the first time she couldn’t stop herself from gasping into Dina’s open mouth. Yes, kissing Dina was life-altering and Ellie knew then that nothing could be the same, not when she knew how it felt to kiss and be kissed like this.

Suddenly, too soon, there was an unfamiliar sound coming from somewhere close by, and Ellie gaped at Dina as she rolled off of Ellie and pulled her phone out of her pocket, “Oh shit, it’s Talia.”

Ellie sat up and brought her fingers to her lips, already missing the warmth of Dina’s body on hers, “Who?”

“My fucking sister.” Dina sat up in bed and answered the phone, “Hey Tal, sorry. I dropped a friend off at her house and decided to wait out the storm for a while. I meant to call you...”

Dina went quiet, “Okay, yeah...it has slowed down a bit, so I should be able to get home okay. Yeah, I can still go get mom’s medicine.” Dina listened intently and then said, “I’ll head to the pharmacy now. I’m really sorry, Tal.”

When she hung up the phone, Dina climbed out of the bed and moved to grab her things, “That was my sister, I gotta go.”

“Okay.” Ellie followed her to the door and stood watching her as she pulled on her boots, jacket, and then retrieved her backpack from where she’d dropped it onto the ground. 

Dina reached for the doorknob, and hesitated before turning back to face Ellie, “Come here…” she covered both of Ellie’s cheeks with the palms of her hands and pulled her in for a tender kiss that left them both a little breathless.

“See you tomorrow, El.” Dina breathed with her forehead pressed against Ellie’s.

“Yeah,” Ellie touched her lips again as Dina pulled the door open, “see you.”

—

The room was dark and musty, and it felt impossibly small around the two of them and the army of machines that stood chirping, and measuring, and monitoring all around the hospital bed.

She couldn’t recall most of the trip to the hospital beyond an awkward silence in the Uber when she’d changed their destination on an impulse, feeling too drunk and too high to go home alone. But she had been pleased to find the same woman she’d seen a day earlier sitting at the desk in the reception area, and hoped that Esther would remember her. 

When she reached the desk, she began, “I’m sorry, I know visiting hours are -“

And Esther simply met Ellie’s eye, nodded toward Joel’s room so gently that Ellie almost missed it, and went right back to typing as though Ellie weren’t standing in front of her at all.

So, she found herself sitting next to a large across the room in an uncomfortable chair, watching Joel’s chest as it rose and fell. The sky outside was growing lighter by degrees, and with early morning came the people of Jackson spilling out of their homes and into cars that sped along the roads and onto pavements with cups of coffee in hand as they moved through the beginning of a new day. And how absurd it seemed to her, that Joel could be in a hospital bed and that she could be here with him, and that somehow the world around them would keep going. The figure in the bed looked small and helpless, dwarfed by machines and the enormity of mortality, and to see Joel that way gave everything an unreal, dreamlike quality, because Joel could never be small or helpless and he would never, ever leave her behind.

Tommy had been right in saying that there were nurses constantly coming in and out of Joel’s room to check his vitals, administer medicine, and attend to his wound. And although she had arrived way past visiting hours, none of them asked her to leave. In fact, the nurses who came in and out of the room rarely acknowledged her presence, instead they all seemed to have collectively chosen to make remarks aloud as they tended to Joel, and Ellie wondered whether Esther had warned them that she would be in here.

In the hours that she stayed at his bedside Ellie only found the courage to speak directly to one nurse who had simply pressed her lips together in a thin line and shaken her head apologetically when Ellie begged for assurance that he would be okay.

“You’ll want to ask the doctor, but we’ve done everything we can do. It’s up to him now.”

Ellie had lifted her chin defiantly, “Well, if it’s up to him, then he’ll be okay.”

The nurse had rested one gentle hand on Ellie’s shoulder and given it a little squeeze, “That’s the spirit, dear.” And then she pulled the door closed behind herself as she left.

“Joel,” Ellie moved to a chair near his bed as the door clicked shut, and gripped his hand, “I need you to wake up. There’s so much…” She blinked back tears, “I’m sorry if that’s selfish, but I’m just not ready to be without you.”

And somehow, strangely, Joel didn’t respond to her plea, not even when it turned into a demand, and not even when she could no longer hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall. She cried and clutched one limp hand in hers and watched his face as it remained still and unchanged.

The sun rose triumphantly into the sky over the hospital as she held his limp hand in hers, and a new day began. 

———

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys! I was away on vacation and then the American democracy nearly came crashing down around us. Hopefully this chapter being long as hell makes up for it! It took a bit to get back into the swing of things, but chapter four is already in the works, so I don’t anticipate the next one taking so long. Keep your eyes peeled :)
> 
> Also, the scene where Ellie and Dina discuss the giraffe constellation references a painting by René Magritte called “The Treachery of Images”. Check it out!


	4. Up on the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the support so far, guys. I keep trying to write shorter chapters so I can finish them faster for you all, but they keep getting longer. My apologies.

Ellie Miller had recently come to know that late fall in Wyoming was capable of plunging to a depth of cold that Boston could only aspire to, even in the coldest part of the winter. To her great annoyance, most of Jackson’s residents hardly seemed to notice the cold, and Joel who was usually hot told her that he was rather enjoying it, and so Ellie who hated to be cold quietly added the weather to her increasingly long list of reasons that she couldn’t wait to return to Boston the minute she graduated high school. 

The wind picked up and chilled her so deeply that her teeth began to chatter, and the tears that streaked down her cheeks burned on their way down. She decided that she would return to Boston the minute she turned eighteen, instead  of waiting for graduation.

When the wind stopped and some feeling gradually returned to her fingers, she reached into her bag for her journal and began sketching aimlessly. Joel had warned her that he would be late picking her up, and had offered to have Tommy come pick her up instead, but she had somehow gotten the idea that it would be nice to spend some time alone on campus after school, and had insisted on waiting for Joel to pick her up himself. She regretted that now.

“So.” 

Ellie jumped at the sound of the unexpected voice and looked up to see Cat striding toward her, speaking as casually as if she had been there the whole time. “How goes it, Boston?”

Ellie shrugged and flipped the cover of her journal closed, “It goes, I guess. Just waiting for my dad to get here.”

Cat slid onto the bench next to her and looked at Ellie with amusement, “You do know that it’s like twelve degrees out here, right?”

“Yep, I am definitely aware.”

“Huh,” Cat shrugged and brushed a fall of choppy bangs out of her face with a gloved hand, “do you like the cold?”

“Nah,” Ellie admitted, “I fucking hate it.”

“You’ll get used to it.” Cat assured her and then rearranged her body so that she straddled the bench and faced Ellie instead of the tabletop. 

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Cat said, “So.”

Ellie raised an eyebrow, “So?” 

Cat had a tendency to be cryptic and mysterious for dramatic effect, and it was beginning to wear on Ellie’s already thin patience.

“So…” Cat looked at her expectantly, as though Ellie had been the one to initiate the interaction in the first place.

“What is it, Cat?”

“So,” Cat rolled her eyes and kicked the toe of Ellie’s canvas sneaker with one of her boots, “I talked to Dina.”

Cat was being even weirder and more cryptic than usual, and Ellie wondered if Dina had told Cat about their kiss. Ellie and Dina hadn’t even talked to each other about it, and it seemed ridiculous that Dina would talk to Cat about it before talking to Ellie herself, although some small part of Ellie suspected that one of them had been avoiding the other, but she wasn’t sure which of them it was. 

The more she thought about it, the more ridiculous it seemed to her that she should assume that they even talked about Ellie at all when she wasn’t around. And really, there was nothing weird about Cat and Dina speaking to each other, when they’d been friends long before Ellie came into the picture. They could have been discussing the weather, or the upcoming midterms, or anything other than -

“She told me that you guys kissed.”

Ellie closed her eyes and swallowed hard, “She did, huh?”

“Yeah, but you can’t be mad at her if that’s what you’re planning to do.”

Ellie rolled her eyes at Cat’s phrasing and decided to play along with whatever she was trying to do. “And why is that?”

“Well, I totally dragged it out of her. She didn’t wanna tell me, so I had to threaten to tell Jesse that she has a crush on him.”

“Does she have a crush on him?”

“No way, but he would totally believe me if I said she did.”

“Ew, Dina and Jesse?”

“I know, right?” Cat grimaced and shuddered at the thought. “I don’t even wanna  _ think  _ about that. But what’s your deal, anyway?”

“It’s just,” Ellie paused to think it over and found that there was really no justifiable reason to be angry that Dina had told her best friend, and she figured that she would have told someone too, if she had a best friend of her own.

“It’s just,” Ellie bit her lip “It’s just no one’s business.”

“Hmm,” Cat considered this, “lemme guess - you’re not out to your dad yet, right?”

“No, I haven’t exactly told him yet. So if you could just keep it to yourself…”

“Hey, you don’t have to tell  _ me _ to keep quiet.” Cat looked at her patiently through a curtain of bangs that had slipped back into her eyes, seemingly waiting for Ellie to catch on to something.

“Wait,” Ellie’s jaw dropped “you too?”

“Yep!” Cat said cheerfully, “Who do you think told Dina you’re gay?”

“How did you know?”

“Oh, Ellie. My gaydar is impeccable.”

“Well, mine is trash apparently.” Ellie grumbled, “I had no idea you were gay, or Dina either for that matter…”

“And Sam!”

“Jesse?” Ellie asked.

“Nah, he’s the lone holdout. We keep trying to pray away the straight during our prayer circles, but no luck so far.” Cat laughed at her own joke, and pressed on. “So, what now?”

Ellie stared at her blankly.

“Oh my God, Miller. Dina wasn’t kidding about you being kind of clueless.” Cat huffed, “You and Dina. Now what? You guys gonna be a thing?”

“Oh,” Ellie flushed “I don’t know, we haven’t really talked about it.”

“Well, do you want to be a thing?”

“Cat,” Ellie sighed “why do you care?”

Ellie had never, and would never be good at this. Opening up seemed so unnecessary. Still, Cat already knew that they’d kissed, so she didn’t exactly have anything to lose.

“Look, when I see a fellow gay in trouble I have to help. You obviously like her, and she likes you.”

Ellie drummed her fingers against the table and tried to sound disinterested, “You think she likes me?”

“I’ve known Dina a long time, she  _ definitely _ likes you.”

“Oh. I’m not sure what to do...I’m kind of new at this.” 

She and Riley had kissed once, but that was just before the move to Jackson, so there was nothing more to be done about it. No games to play and nothing to wonder.

“Well, that’s easy! Jesse is having a bonfire at his place on Friday night. Dina’s going to be there, and I told her that I would make sure you showed up. And I maybe also told her that I would get you there without letting you know about the plan, so if you could just keep it to yourself that I told you…”

Ellie nodded and replied, “Sure.” But she was distracted now, imagining a bonfire with Dina and how she would look in the firelight, and how Ellie would go about trying to get Dina to kiss her again. 

Before she could say anything else, she heard the sound of Joel’s truck and saw him waving cheerfully as he pulled up to the curb. “That’s my dad. I gotta go.” Ellie jumped to her feet and shoved her journal into her bag.

“Alright, see you tomorrow, El!”

Ellie waved at Cat as she climbed into the warmth of the old truck and tossed her bag onto the floor. She reached for the knob of the heater to crank it up as soon as she had pulled the door closed behind herself.

“Hey, old man.”

“Hey, kiddo.” Joel reached over to ruffle her hair, even though she had told him dozens of times that she hated it when he did that, “Who was that you were talkin’ to?”

“Oh, just my friend Cat.”

“Huh, I had a buddy named Dog when I was your age.” Then he laughed at his own joke and drummed his fingers against the steering wheel in time with the old Meat Puppets cassette he kept in his tape deck even though Ellie rarely missed a chance to make fun of him for it.

“Anyway,” Ellie went on as if she hadn’t heard his attempt at the joke, “some kids are having a thing on Friday. Can I go?”

Joel stared straight ahead at the road and repeated, “Some kids are having...a thing? You wanna give me more information than that?”

Ellie sighed, “A bunch of kids are going to Jesse’s house for a bonfire in his backyard. Everyone’s gonna be there.”

“Jesse, huh?” Joel smiled wistfully and the shadow of the boy he had once been was suddenly visible in his softly lined face, “That sounds about right. I reckon I was about your age the first time I went out on a date with a girl.”

“Huh, I’m surprised that girls were even invented back then, old man.”

“Shut up.” Joel smiled again “So when do I get to meet the lucky fella?”

Ellie’s mouth fell open, horrified, “Joel. Jesse and I aren’t...I mean he isn’t…” she huffed impatiently “No. Just, no. Okay?”

“Sure thing, kiddo.” Joel said with a wink, an actual, honest to God wink, and Ellie wished that she could slug him without putting both of their lives in danger.

“Whatever you say.” He winked again as though they were sharing a private joke, “Yeah, I suppose it’s fine as long as there’s no drinking and you’re back at a reasonable time.”

“Not a drop of alcohol,” she patted the dashboard of the truck “and I will be back before this hunk of junk turns into a pumpkin.”

“Oh, you think you’re borrowing the truck?”

Ellie clapped a hand on his shoulder and put her feet up on the dash “How about we just discuss the details later?”

\--

Ellie was in good spirits as she exited the hospital, and even found herself whistling cheerfully while she stood out front and called for an Uber. It was an old song of Joel’s and she struggled to remember the actual lyrics beyond, “A long time ago, I turned to myself…” 

A horn honked so closely that she wondered for a moment if her Uber had somehow already arrived before she finished ordering it, but was surprised to see Dina calling at her through the open window of a jeep. 

Ellie was slightly out of breath when she reached the jeep and leaned in, “Hey, what are you doing here?” 

“Eugene’s is just a few blocks away, remember?” Dina smiled at her so brightly that it made her heart ache in her chest, “I drive home this way sometimes, and then thought I saw you...”

“Oh,” Ellie pointed over her shoulder with one thumb, “I was just visiting Joel.”

Dina nodded, “I figured. Do you want a ride?”

Ellie hesitated and then asked, “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

Dina unlocked the door and gestured to the passenger seat, “I wouldn’t have offered if I minded, get in.”

“Alright, thanks.”

When Ellie was seated in the car with her seatbelt fastened, Dina turned to look at her, “Hey, instead of going straight to your place, how about we go to the Bison?”

“The Bison?” Ellie stared straight ahead, “Uh, you mean like, go there together?”

“No, I mean let’s go there and sit separately.” Dina punched Ellie’s arm, “Of course I mean together. We can grab lunch or something.”

“Cat won’t mind?” 

Dina pulled away from the curb and began heading in the direction of the Tipsy Bison without waiting for an answer from Ellie.

“Why would Cat mind?”

Ellie gulped, “I mean...I don’t…”

“I’m fuckin’ with you.” Dina grinned, and it was that smile that made Ellie’s heart ache all over again. She’d missed that smile. “Nah, I’m sure she won’t mind, but I’ll text her when we get there and ask if she wants to come by.”

“Okay.”

“How’s Joel?”

“Actually, we got some good news today.”

“Oh yeah?” Dina patted Ellie’s knee, “That’s great!” 

“Yeah,” Ellie sighed, “it really is.”

They were quiet as Dina made an illegal U-turn, as though she was waiting for Ellie to elaborate, but she didn’t want to talk about Joel.

“Yep,” Ellie settled back in the seat and put her feet up on the dashboard, “So, how was work?”

Dina laughed, “Oh my God, do you remember Mrs. Hanson?”

“Of course. I wasted many an afternoon in her classroom.”

“Well, we’ve been working on a job for her, and damn, I’d forgotten how crazy she is.”

“If by crazy, you mean to say that she’s totally evil, then I can’t believe you forgot.”

“She wasn’t  _ evil _ , Ellie.” Dina said, “Hanson and I mostly got along fine, you were just...unruly.”

“ _ Unruly _ ?” Ellie snorted, “God, how old are you?”

“I am five months and two days older than you, actually.”

“Yes, I know that.”

“So you have to listen to what I say. Because I’m your elder.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, “You hardly count as my elder, but alright, what’s Hanson up to?”

“Well, she has about eight dogs, and they’re all those little tiny ones that bark a lot.” Dina’s shoulders were already shaking with laughter, and Ellie smiled patiently, “Anyway, Jesse went over there to take some measurements for the job and Hanson let them bark and growl at him the whole time.”

Ellie laughed, “Jesse  _ hates  _ dogs.”

“I know!” Dina howled “He told me he’s never going back there.”

After so much time, so many  _ years,  _ it felt damn good to be laughing together again. It was the kind of laughter that makes your sides ache, the kind of laughter you’d have to pay for later, and as Ellie looked over at Dina in her sunglasses, with her hair loose and wild around her face, Ellie knew then that there was no price she wouldn’t pay.

When they’d calmed down enough to speak, Ellie wiped tears from her eyes and asked, “ _ Is _ he going back there?”

“Of course he is.  _ I’m  _ not going to do it, and that’s the best part about being the boss...” Dina expertly steered them into a parking spot, turned off the car, and turned dramatically to meet Ellie’s eye. 

“Delegation.”

The parking lot of the Tipsy Bison was mostly empty, and the restaurant itself was sparsely populated by just a few tables of customers and a few familiar employees. 

“El, look!” Dina grabbed Ellie’s arm and pulled her toward the rear of the restaurant before Ellie could register what was happening. “Our old table is open.” 

“Their” table was a large booth toward the rear of the restaurant that their entire friend group would pile into after school dances, parties, and afternoons when they all ditched class together. 

Dina pulled her coat off and tossed it onto the seat of the booth before sliding in, and Ellie mimicked her, and slid into the booth so that they were sitting opposite each other.

When they were settled in properly they made polite small talk until they placed their orders with Shirley, who had worked at the Bison so long that she had probably waited on a dinosaur at some point.

“So,” Ellie cleared her throat, “I had a really nice time with you guys the other night.”

“It was nice having you, El.” Dina grinned at her over her glass of water and it was a shadow of the old smile that Dina used to wear for her when they were together, and it was almost too much. “I was sorry that I had to go to bed so soon.”

“Ahh, well it was nice to hang out with Cat for a while.” Ellie slouched a little in her seat and stretched her legs so that the toes of her shoes just barely rested on the bench next to Dina, “It was okay, really.”

Dina tilted her head, and smirked as she tucked some loose curls back behind her ear, “Was it nice, or was it okay?”

Ellie tapped Dina’s thigh with her shoe and muttered, “Oh shut up, don’t be annoying.”

Dina just smiled wider and leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table, “Whatever you say.” 

“I like the sound of that.”

“Don’t get used to it.”

“I won’t.” Ellie chewed the inside of her cheek for a minute and then said, “I have a question.”

It had been on her mind almost constantly since that night, and although she hadn’t intended to ever ask Dina about, she couldn’t stop herself. 

Dina nodded and wrapped her lips around her straw, waiting for Ellie to continue.

“You told me that you visit Joel sometimes.”

Dina nodded again.

“But then you lied to Cat about it. Why?”

“I just didn’t want to -“ 

“Alright, kids.” Shirley had reappeared at the head of the table with her arms laden with plates, and Ellie figured that the interruption would mean a subject change, but to Dina’s credit, she rarely shied away from awkwardness.

As soon as Shirley sashayed out of earshot, Dina picked up her fork and met Ellie’s gaze so calmly that Ellie almost forgot what they had been talking about. “Is there a way to tell your girlfriend that you occasionally go have coffee with your ex’s dad?”

“I mean, I guess not.”

“So why make it weird, you know? Joel is cool, we got pretty close when you and I were…” Her voice trailed off and she raised her glass to her lips.

“Oh, that’s fine. I was just curious.” Then she added, “Cat doesn’t seem like the jealous type.”

Dina seemed to consider this for a moment, “She isn’t jealous as a general rule. But with you, she can be a little weird.”

“Huh, why is that?”

Dina rolled her eyes and shoved Ellie’s foot off of the seat next to her, “You  _ know  _ why. Don’t be an asshole.”

Ellie smiled and shrugged and popped a french fry into her mouth, “Maybe so.”

“I never understood how you can eat that shit and still be so thin.” Dina mused, staring at Ellie’s fries longingly.

“Luck, I suppose.”

“At least some things don’t change, I guess.” And that made Dina was referring to something more than Ellie’s efficient metabolism.

“Dina, I’m sorry that I didn’t call when your mom died.”

Dina looked surprised at the abrupt change of subject. “Oh,” she shook her head, “It’s fine. It’s been years and you didn’t owe me anything...”

“But I did.” Their eyes met and Ellie watched Dina soften, “I should have called you. You would have called me if…” Ellie swallowed hard “After all of our history, I owed you a phone call.”

Dina shrugged and speared some lettuce with her fork, “It’s alright, you were busy.”

Ellie shook her head “That isn’t why I didn’t call.” Ellie set her burger down. “I wanted to call. I almost called.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I was afraid, I think.”

Dina looked at her carefully and nodded, seemingly deciding not to pry, and Ellie didn’t offer.

“It’s weird how normal this feels,” Dina admitted, “after all these years, I could swear that we were just here yesterday or something.”

Ellie nodded and picked her burger up again, “It really does feel that way.”

“I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

Ellie considered this for a moment, unsure. They had almost a decade of history, and they’d been closer than Ellie had ever been with another person, and in all of the years since their breakup, not a day had gone by without Ellie thinking of her. It made sense to Ellie that even after so much time apart, it would feel this way.

“I guess it just  _ is _ . I think it makes sense.”

“You do?”

“I do. I don’t think that two people can ever truly go back to being strangers again after having been so close.”

Dina nodded, “Yeah, I think you’re right.” 

Ellie took a bite of her burger, and Dina reached across the table for another handful of Ellie’s fries, and they ate quietly, each seemingly lost in her own thoughts. For Ellie, sharing a meal with Dina for the second time in one week felt like a strange fever dream, after having never imagined that they would someday share another meal together.

When their lunch had dwindled down to just the excess tomato Ellie had picked out of her burger, a few fries that were too greasy to safely eat, and a few wilted pieces of lettuce in what had been Dina’s salad, they locked eyes again. 

“Ellie,” Dina began, “Do you ever wish that you’d stayed?”

“I -” Ellie swallowed a lump in her throat and tried again, “Yeah. Sometimes I do. Especially now.”

Dina shook her head, “Ellie, Joel would never want you to give up your dreams to stay in a place like this.”

Dina gestured to the diner around them with its handful of patrons who came in every day for the special of the day, tacky wallpaper that was surely older than the pair of them put together, and the lingering smell of stale cigarettes from the days when you were still allowed to smoke in restaurants.

Ellie bit her lip when she realized that she hadn’t been thinking of Joel when she said that she wished that she had stayed in Jackson. “Right.” 

“What?” Dina leaned in even closer, with her chest almost flush against the table “Why else would you want to stay?” 

And Ellie could have laughed because Dina really didn’t seem to know, and it seemed impossible to Ellie that Dina could possibly not know, that somehow Dina wouldn’t be able to feel what Ellie was feeling. She was at first amused at Dina’s blindness, and then she was annoyed that Dina was able to build a life with Cat and be happy, and not even know how desperately Ellie would have wished that she could be in Cat’s place, if she ever let herself think about it long enough.

Ellie smiled, but her words sounded bitter and acidic, “I’m sure it’s difficult for  _ you  _ to understand, but some of us aren’t exactly living our dream lives yet.” 

Dina wrinkled her forehead and looked at Ellie with something like hurt in her eyes, “That isn’t fair, Ellie.”

Ellie scoffed, angry and disbelieving, “You know what wasn’t  _ fair _ ? You walked out on  _ me,  _ you stopped returning  _ my  _ calls, and then I get a call from fucking Cat asking for my blessing for you two to be together. You think that was  _ fair?” _

Dina laughed and raked her fingers through her hair, and she looked so beautiful with her curls wild around her face that Ellie wished that she could undo their entire argument. After so much time apart, Ellie hated that they were spending it like this. 

Dina narrowed her eyes, “I’m not going to  _ apologize _ for my relationship with Cat.”

“Of course you won’t.” Ellie spat, “You don’t apologize for  _ anything _ .”

Dina gritted her teeth and pointed at her, seemingly struggling to keep her voice down. “That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it.”

“Bullshit? You know what was fucking bullshit?” Ellie’s own voice rose slightly above Dina’s, “It was bullshit for you to just walk out and leave me in that fucking dorm room like I meant nothing at all, after you fucking  _ promised  _ that you would never leave me behind.”

“Ellie -” Dina started, but Ellie was too angry to stop now that she’d started.

“So  _ apparently _ it was bullshit when you made all of those promises in the first place, huh?” 

“You know what, Ellie?” Dina’s voice came out in a growl, low and angry, “It was  _ bullshit  _ for your girlfriend to have to find out from a fucking letter in your nightstand that you were planning to go to grad school instead of coming home at the  end of the year like  _ you _ promised. Like we had agreed.”

Ellie opened her mouth as if to speak, but Dina cut her off. “No, Ellie. You unilaterally decided that we were going to continue being in a long distance relationship for God only knows how long while you finished grad school, and internships, and God knows what else.”

“I was going to tell you -”

“Were you actually going to tell me? Or is that just bullshit, too?”

With a burst of humorless laughter, Ellie said “You know what was really bullshit? You were always on my case about applying myself and doing whatever I had to do to get into NASA someday, and then you broke up with me when I actually did it.”

“That wasn’t  _ bullshit _ , Ellie. I meant it when I said it, but that doesn’t mean that I wanted to follow you to Colorado, or Florida, or Russia, or wherever the fuck you end up eventually.”

Ellie sneered and leaned in over the table so that their foreheads were just inches apart, close enough to kiss. “I think that excuse is bullshit. I think you were just fucking scared, and you tried to blame it on me. You let me think that it was my fault.”

“It  _ was _ your fault.” Dina said simply, and leaned back in her seat, putting more distance between them.

“No, it wasn’t. You’re just a fucking coward.” Ellie wanted to stop, but now that she was actually, finally having this argument with Dina, she couldn’t stop herself from saying every hateful thing she had ever thought over their years apart. “You were all for me putting myself out there and challenging myself, but when it came down to you, you preferred to settle for mediocrity.” 

The hurt in Dina’s eyes almost made Ellie stop, but she had gone too far and knew that she had to say everything she’d ever wanted to say, even though she knew, even through a haze of anger, that she would soon regret having said it.

“You’re better than half of those electrical geeks I work with. Hell, you are the one who should be working at NASA, but you chose to manage a fucking store. You chose Jackson. You chose fucking  _ Cat _ .”

“What’s wrong with Cat?” Dina’s cheeks were tinged red, but she sounded uncertain, “She makes me happy.”

“Happy?” Ellie snorted, “Tell me, is it anything at all like what we had? Does she make you half as happy?”

“She fucking  _ stayed _ . She was here for me when you left me behind.”

Ellie snorted at that, at the thought that she would have ever left Dina behind, when they both knew that she would have followed Dina anywhere.

“You know, it isn’t my fault that you settled, Dina. If you weren’t so fucking afraid, you could have been with me in Colorado applying for NASA or for something even better, and I would have been right there supporting you. But you settled for a boring life in this boring town in a boring relationship.”

“Fuck you.”

Dina stood and grabbed her jacket, threw a pair of twenty dollar bills on the table, and left Ellie sitting there, already regretting every word she’d said, just like she knew she would.

“Dina…”

“No. You don’t get to show up here, rip my life apart, and blame all of this shit on me. If you’re alone, and if you’re not happy...that isn’t my fault.”

Ellie watched her walk away, watched her slam the door shut behind herself so hard that the “OPEN” sign fell down from the back of the door, and then she was all alone in a diner full of curious people who didn’t even bother to pretend that they hadn’t been listening to every word they’d said. 

And wasn’t it Dina’s fault?

\--

Ellie slammed the door of Joel’s old pickup and stared up at Jesse’s house as it loomed over her in the darkness. Somehow, she had convinced the old man to let her borrow the truck, and somehow she had managed to talk him into letting her stay out until midnight. But as she stood alone in the chill of the November evening, she contemplated getting back into the truck, driving home, and telling everyone that she had gotten sick, because as desperately as she wanted to go in there, she wasn’t sure that she should, or could.

Before she could make up her mind, she heard a shout coming from the direction of Jesse’s backyard, where the bonfire seemed to already be in full swing. When she looked in the direction of the voice, she saw Jesse stumbling over to her with a big, dopey grin on his face, and by the way he seemed to be fighting gravity as he walked over to her, Ellie could see that he was already very drunk.

When he reached her, Jesse slung an arm around her shoulders so hard that she almost lost her balance, and he cheerfully greeted her again with breath that reeked of bad beer and cheap whiskey. 

“Hey, buddy!” Jesse cried, much too loudly for his proximity to her right ear, and Ellie had to tighten her arm around his waist to help him stay upright, knowing that if he fell, she would fall with him.

“S’good to see you, El.” Jesse was still speaking too loudly, but Ellie grinned at his enthusiasm. 

“It’s good to see you, Jess.” And as she said it, she realized that it was true. “How are you? Seems like you’ve been having a good time.”

Jesse steered them toward the backyard, “Oh, yeah. Sam brought some stuff, I’m not sure what it is...but you  _ have _ to have some.”

“I probably shouldn’t. I borrowed my old man’s truck and I’m pretty sure he would kill me if I died in a drunk driving accident.”

“Well,” Jesse smiled slyly as they reached the back gate, “Dina’s here and  _ she’s  _ having some.”

“Good for her.” 

“So you should have some, too.”

“And why is that, Jesse?”

But Ellie already knew that he knew, even before he said it. Fucking Cat.

“It’s good for liquid courage.” He pulled her closer to him, “Not that  _ you  _ need it right, champ?”

“Please don’t call me ‘champ’”

Jesse slurred on, “I mean, wow. You and Dina. I can’t say that I saw that coming. Cat says I’m clueless, though.”

“There is no ‘me and Dina’, Jess. We kissed once, she rushed out of my place, and we haven’t talked about it. So please don’t make it weird.”

“Oh,  _ that’s _ your problem?” Jesse stopped and turned to face her with unfocused eyes, “That was because of her mom, I bet.”

“What about her mom?”

“Well, she lives with her sister and her mom, but her mom is -”

“Hey, Ellie!” 

This time, the cheery greeting came from Cat who was stumbling toward them with a cup in her hand, sloshing some of her drink out onto the grass.

“Ellie, I’m going to go get a refill.” Cat nudged her and winked, “You should take my spot, I was sitting next to Dina.”

At the sound of her name, Dina looked up at them and smiled brightly. 

“Fucking real subtle, Cat.” Ellie growled, “Jesus Christ.”

Cat linked an arm through Jesse’s and gave Ellie a shove toward the bonfire. “Just go get your girl!” 

“Oh my God.” Ellie muttered as she approached Dina.

“Ellie,” Dina looked so happy that it made Ellie’s stomach flip, “You came!”

“Can I sit here?” Ellie gestured at the empty seat next to Dina, and for a split second she hoped that Dina would send her away. Because she really wasn’t sure that she was ready for whatever was about to happen next.

“Of course.” 

And Dina’s eyes were so soft in the glow of the bonfire that Ellie couldn’t help but to smile back and relax as she sank down into the chair next to her.

“How’s your drink?” Ellie asked as she pointed at the cup Dina clutched in both of her hands.

“Honestly?” Dina chuckled and held the cup out to Ellie, “Pretty terrible, but it’s getting the job done.” 

Ellie accepted the cup and raised it to her lips, took a small sip, and that was enough to confirm that the drink was, in fact, pretty terrible.

“Oh yeah.” Ellie wiped her hand with the back of her mouth as she passed the cup back to Dina, “Yeah, that is pretty bad.”

“Don’t let Sam hear you say that. He was really  proud of himself when he brought the supplies to replicate some drink he’s seen his parents make.” 

Dina took another long drink and said, “You know, I’ve never actually had a whiskey sour but if I had to guess, I’m thinking that they probably don’t taste like this.”

Ellie shrugged and asked, “Where is Sam, anyway?”

Dina scooted closer so that their shoulders were touching and pointed at two figures standing together at the far edge of the yard, away from the fire.

“Sam and Ryan.” Dina shook her head, “He’s liked that guy forever, and we can’t tell if Ryan likes him back or if he just likes to fuck with his head.”

“Ouch, really?”

“Yeah.” Dina passed the cup back to Ellie, “I mean, at the last bonfire, Ryan got wasted, they made out, and then Ryan goes back to ignoring him at school.”

Ellie brought the cup to her lips and took a longer sip than the first, hoping that Jesse’s theory about liquid courage would turn out to be right. 

She nodded sympathetically as she passed the cup back to Dina, “That sucks.”

“It really does.” Dina turned to look her full in the face, “I mean, Ryan should just be honest with Sam about how he feels. Sam isn’t a very good guesser.”

“Maybe…” Ellie looked down and fidgeted with a small hole in her jeans, “Maybe Ryan just doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants. Or maybe he’s scared that Sam doesn’t really like him.”

Dina nodded thoughtfully, “Right, but  _ everyone _ knows that Ryan really does like him. They did kiss after all.”

“Well, if they didn’t talk about it after, maybe Ryan is worried that it was just a one-time thing. Or maybe he doesn’t even know if Sam liked it.”

Dina touched Ellie’s chin and raised her face so that their eyes met in the glow of the firelight, “Oh, Sam  _ definitely _ liked it.”

Ellie’s breath caught and she closed her eyes at the feeling of Dina’s skin against hers, “I bet Ryan liked it, too. I think he liked it a lot, and I bet…” Ellie opened her eyes, feeling more sure of herself, “I bet Ryan would like to do it again.”

Dina’s voice was so low that Ellie had to watch her lips to make out what she was saying, “I bet Sam wants to do it again, too.”

Dina’s eyes dropped to Ellie’s lips and Ellie tilted her head to one side, ready to lean in.

“Hey, Ellie!”

Ellie jerked her head back and turned to see Jesse tripping over to them with a guitar held out in front of himself, while Cat followed close behind him, apparently trying to stop him.

“Ellie!” he called again. “Dina told me that you can play. Play for us.”

Ellie shook her head, ready to decline, but Dina nudged her and murmured close to her ear, “Go on, El.”

She shook her head again, but stood and reached for the guitar.

\--

Joel looked younger than Ellie remembered him seeming to her at the time that the photo had been taken. It’s the two of them on a beach in Florida shortly after the adoption had been finalized. Despite having grown up in Boston, it had been Ellie’s first time seeing the ocean. So the Millers had all gone to Florida together, and Maria had taken stacks of photos and labeled them all “Our first family vacation.”

In this photo, Joel has an arm around Ellie, tucking her firmly into his side as they smile into the camera. They both look sunburned and windswept in front of the sandcastle they’d spent what felt like hours building. Looking at the photo now, when it had been taken well over a decade ago, Ellie could see how young Joel had been when they met, although he had seemed so old to her. His beard was more reddish-brown than gray and there were fewer lines around his eyes than there had been when she’d last seen him.

Whenever she teased Joel about his aging, he would just laugh and point out a gray hair or wrinkle in his forehead and proclaim that it had turned up because of some infraction of hers: like the time she took the truck without permission, or the handful of occasions that he’d caught her smoking weed, and then he would point to his laugh lines, and tell her that she had caused those, too. Joel had always been good about things like that: he would give her a hard time about being a bit of a hellion, but then he would always remind her that he loved her no matter what. She didn’t deserve it.

Ellie stared at the photo for so long that she could still see it even after she slid it back into the photo album and flopped down onto the bed with her eyes closed.

They had gotten good news earlier that afternoon when she had gone to the hospital with Tommy and Maria. It had been the first real bit of hope any doctor had been able to offer them since Joel had been hospitalized, although she hadn’t understood most of what was being said. She just caught snatches of the conversation with phrases like “missed all of the vital organs” and “massive blood loss” and “couldn’t save the spleen” and “could wake up soon.”

And if he did wake up soon, what was she supposed to say? How could she even begin to apologize for the fact that he still had to work his ass off to support her? He had always joked that she was going to drive him into an early grave, and that had very nearly happened. He had only ever loved and taken care of her, and she had paid him back by demanding more and more until it had nearly killed him.

It was dark enough in her room now that the constellation of stars about the bed was beginning to take shape, and it just made her think of Dina and their argument and how badly Ellie always managed to fuck things up. 

She was just beginning to drift off to sleep when she heard a knock at the door. Sam had texted her earlier and she’d ignored his message even though she knew that Sam had never been shy about showing up unannounced when he felt like she was ignoring him. She glanced down at herself as she made her way over to the door, and paused for a moment, debating whether she should pull some sweats on over her boxers, but decided against it. Sam had seen her in her underwear on more occasions that she figured a lesbian’s gay best friend probably ought to.

She ran her fingers through her hair, and pulled the door open with an excuse waiting on her lips.

“Sam, I -” 

Ellie stopped short when she saw that it was not Sam standing on her doorstep.

“Hey…”

“Dina.” Ellie blinked at her, “What are you doing here?”

Dina offered a shy smile and crossed her arms across her chest, “I just felt bad about earlier and I wanted to apologize.”

“You don’t need to apologize.”

“But I’d like to.” Dina looked past Ellie into the interior of the apartment and asked, “Can I come in?”

Ellie stared back at her for a moment, and then stepped aside, opening the door wider as she did.

“Sure.” Ellie allowed Dina to enter first and then pulled the door closed behind them. Feeling suddenly self-conscious now that it was Dina staring at her in boxers and a tank top instead of Sam. 

Ellie reached for an old sweatshirt of Joel’s that had been thrown haphazardly over the back of a chair and tugged it over her head. She’d stolen this sweatshirt from Joel over a decade ago, and always wore it when she came home so he could tease her about it.

She gestured for Dina to follow her to the couch. It felt strange to be alone with Dina in her old bedroom where everything had started all those years ago, because Ellie knew that they could never go back.

“Look, I’m sorry that we argued.” Dina started, “I hate to admit it, but having you back here has been…” Ellie looked at her with interest, and nodded for her to continue. Dina sighed and added “It’s just been a lot.” 

Ellie smiled shyly and admitted, “It’s a lot for me, too.”

“I mean, you were gone for  _ years _ .”

“I know.”

“And Cat and I...we just  _ work _ .” Dina stood and began to pace, “She treats me well. We’re good together.”

Ellie shrugged and tugged the sweatshirt down so that it covered more of her thighs where her shorts had ridden up, “Okay. I’m happy for you.”

That was mostly true. Ellie did want Dina to be happy, and she had nothing against Cat aside from the fact that Cat was now shacked up with the only girl Ellie had ever loved. But she couldn’t really blame Cat for that either, because Cat had asked for Ellie’s blessing, and Ellie had given it.

Dina stopped and looked at her, “Why did you call her boring?” 

“I don’t know, Dina…” Ellie rubbed the back of her neck, “I was just mad.”

“And you said that I was scared.”

“I was just talking.”

It all seemed so absurd that Ellie had to fight back laughter. Her dad was in the hospital with no guarantee that he would live, and she was sitting in her childhood bedroom listening to her ex-girlfriend defend her relationship with her current girlfriend. It was all so...silly.

“You were right.”

“I…” Ellie blinked at her “What?”

Dina sat down again and met Ellie’s gaze, “You said that I was scared, and you were right.”

“But, you had Talia and your mom to worry about...and everyone knows that Eugene is gonna leave you the shop.” Ellie reasoned, “It made sense for you to stay behind to manage it.”

“That’s true,” Dina nodded, “but mostly, I was scared to leave everything else behind. No matter how much shit I talk about Jackson, it’s home, you know?”

“You know, you really don’t have to explain yourself.”

“No, let me say this.” Dina held up a hand, “I wasn’t ready to leave. Talia needed me here, my mom needed me, and Eugene needed me. But they all would have survived without me, I just wasn’t ready, and I didn’t wanna be the one to hold you back if you were ready to go.”

“Dina, I would have stayed here if you wanted me to.”

“I know that!” Dina threw her hands up, “That’s why I had to break up with you. How could I keep  _ you  _ in a place like Jackson? There is so much out there for you, El. How could I keep you from it?”

“So you just decided for both of us? Cut ties, and left me all alone? Never look back?”

“Why do you think I did that?”

“How the fuck should I know?”

“Because, Ellie. How was I supposed to stay away from you if you were still in my life? We would have gotten back together that same night.”

“So what? Why does that have to be a bad thing?”

“Ellie.”

“No,” It was Ellie who held up a hand to silence Dina this time, “You’re really going to tell me that you don’t feel it anymore? That you can’t see what I see?”

Dina shook her head slowly, “Ellie…”

Ellie leaned forward, close enough that she could see Dina's chest rising and falling as her heart raced. She hesitated for a moment, and then slowly raised her hand to cup one of Dina’s cheeks, lightly at first, until remarkably, Dina sighed and leaned into the touch, eyes drifting closed when Ellie began to caress the freckled skin with her thumb.

“Dina, look at me.”

Dina exhaled hard but she opened her eyes, and there was something in them that made Ellie’s breath catch. A kind of tenderness that proved to Ellie that she wasn’t alone in what she felt.

Ellie whispered, “I missed this.” 

Her thumb continued to work. First stroking Dina’s cheek, and then the curve of her jaw, and then it ghosted along her bottom lip. When Dina didn’t protest, Ellie dared to press a kiss to Dina’s freckled cheek. Just one at first, and then that first kiss turned into a string of kisses along Dina’s jaw, and still, Dina didn’t protest.

“I should go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Joel plays in the truck is the same one Ellie hums along to later on. It’s called “Up on the Sun” by the Meat Puppets.
> 
> “A long time ago,  
> I turned to myself.  
> And I said ‘you, you are my daughter.’”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is on hiatus for now. I do hope to pick it back up in a few months. I apologize for the long wait!


End file.
